Blog entry for:

solely on my admirable qualities, i am learning to embrace all facets of myself => my assets and my liabilities. quite honestly. it is much easier on some days rather than others. today is one of those days where i feel okay about my whole self. nothing to hide in the shadows, nothing to attempt to minimize and certainly nothing that requires tap-dancing, jazz hands or gaslighting. i treasure days like today and as i stay clean and diligent in my daily program of recovery, they happen more and more often. lately i have myself down on me, more often than i care to admit. by admitting that i am less than okay, it becomes real and when it becomes real, i have to take action, and i am very lazy these days about taking any action outside of my routines. it is not that i have moved into a state of fantasy about what is keeping me able to function in this world, my “stinking thinking” is maybe i can take a break and see what happens.
the honest truth is that perhaps i could take a break, but i am a firm believer in the notion of inertia and i can see myself convincing myself that after a day or two of skipping my daily inventory and or my daily conscious contact, i could better use that half an hour a day for something else, like sleeping in. after all, sleeping is good and i probably do not get enough on a nightly basis, so it would be a step to improving my physical health. the ride down starts there and i am not certain i have the strength to stop it before the inertia builds up and i am incapable of being that outside force.what it comes down to, for me anyhow, is that the easier softer way is just to do what i do on a daily basis and be okay.
it would be so nice to be able to say that i no longer require outside validation or praise. not quite there yet, but i am certainly working on it. it would be nice to say that i accept myself as a whole package and can walk comfortably through my days even when my liabilities are overt hanging out all over. not there either. i am, however, growing day by day, more comfortable in the skin i have been given. when i decide to act on a spiritual principle or three, my liabilities seem to diminish. today, just for today, the whole package is what i intend to present to the world and hopefully i will make it through to my inventory without having to admit that i was wrong or apologize for bad behavior.

∞ DT ∞