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MY solutions. this brings to mine, a txt conversation i had with a peer yesterday afternoon. they asked about a hypothetical situation that is more than likely not going to happen any time soon, and in the end i saw they were asking me to sign-off on and justify a decision they had already made. there may or may be further discussion with my peer, but this morning it certainly reminds me of my own behavior and what this reading spoke to me about.
more than once, i have asked more than one person to make a decision for me, or even better co-sign my bullsh!t on a decision i had already made. the former was a very familiar part of my early days in recovery, the latter, well let me just say that it is a very comfortable behavior and one that i know quite intimately, hence my surprise when my peer pulled it out of their bag of tricks.
when i got here, to the rooms and long before i entered recovery or became a member, i was quite certain that the substances and my uncontrollable use, were a 25 year phase from which i needed to take a short break, after that, all would be well and i could go back to doing a little sumthin', sumthin', every now and again. i am grateful that things did not work out that way and that short break is still going on today, it fact that short break is 70% of the total time i used, so who knows what will happen. i however, am digressing.
so getting someone, anyone else to take responsibility for my life and the events that transpire, good, bad or indifferent was a set of behaviors i knew and loved oh so well. since the second step says in plain English that i am insane, i figured i could use that loophole to dive into the same behavior that i tried to use to dismiss my actions before i got clean, namely “i don't know, i was really high at the time!” now i had the justification for differing and deflecting any sort of sane and rational behavior, WTF do expect, i am friggin' crazy.
learning how to make decisions, and more importantly taking responsibility for the consequences of those decisions, is something that i am still learning to do today. my conversion to a full-time permanent employee has been delayed by a week, because i am quite certain of something i was honest about in my past. i could have not checked the box that said have you ever and BOOM, my conversion would more than likely have been complete. i was, on the other, hand honest and self-reported what happened nearly 19 years ago, and now they have to go chase that down.do i regret making that decision? nope, because i know that at any time the company could and would do a much thorough background check, and would trip across all of that less than savory past. what it does mean, at least to me, is that this weekend, i work on polishing up my skill-set, clean up my portfolio and be ready to look at the next opportunity that fits my view of where i want to go with my career.
however, i also need to move along and get some stuff done this morning. it is a great day to be clean and even a better day to be part of a solution to my life problems.

∞ DT ∞