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or being responsible for my recovery, as stated in the 3RD disturbing realization?
although similar sounding, they are not quite the same thing being responsible was not something that came easily to me and was something i worked to achieve. responsibility goes far beyond showing up at a few meetings or even many meetings on a weekly basis and staying clean “no matter what.” the notion that staying clean is “good enough” is one that i had to dispel a long, long time ago, otherwise i would not still be sitting here, smack dab in the middle of the program. i see others drift away and start “living” their lives and wonder how they do it. all that overthinking leads me to the conclusion, that if they can do that, maybe i can as well. it really is no different than me asking my sponse, how many meetings a week should i be going to, knowing full well, he will probably say, “as many as you need to.” what it is that i am actually asking is do i NEED to go to any meetings at all?
my mind is tricky like that, and learning to hide and obfuscate what it is that i really want to ask, is my means of shifting the responsibility of my decisions on to someone else. what i want and what i get are often two very different things. those who are on to my bag of tricks, such as my sponse, end up answering my question with a series of questions, ostensibly to narrow in on what i am asking, but in reality, burning off the fog that the part of me i call addiction is trying to generate. ah the humanity of it all. when it comes down to it, what i am trying to say is that i want to get a free pass, for my recovery as well as the responsibility to take action in my own life. this set of steps is driving me towards a new way of looking at things, especially when it comes to my relationships and place in the fellowship, the world and in life. walking down that path may feel as difficult as climbing a fourteener, but in reality is far less painful and arduous.
moving into my day, as i am wont to do, i want to be okay with my decisions, and asking for input does not necessarily mean i am asking someone to sign-off on my bad ones. when i ask for direction, it is up to me, whether or not, i accept what i am being offered or if i dismiss it out of hand, because it does not “fit” what i want to hear. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to practice responsible recovery, to the letter and not to what i want that to look like.

∞ DT ∞