Blog entry for:

necessary to foster my recovery allows me to receive the rewards. this morning, being on the verge of pulling out of what has become a banking nightmare. it is almost as if they were doing a bait and switch on us and the feeling that i have done something wrong is gnawing at my self-confidence. as i look over my actions and see that nothing i have done warrants the sort of treatment i have been getting, i truly wonder if we made a poor decision 15 days ago to ditch our current mortgage company. time will tell, i requested some feedback from them. of course i am not being patient, i want instant gratification and of course i will not get it and i will FEEL frustrated and maybe a bit angry. what am i responsible for? well certainly how i handle this whole conundrum, go forward with something that i feel is a bad deal with us or start all over again with someone else. right here and right now, i think i will sit on my hands and allow the powers that be, do their thing.
this little bit of mind-dumpery has taken far longer and been interrupted time and again. i know what i am responsible for today, and squeezing something in, that helps me, between the responsibilities and expectations of my employer and clients, is not the manner in which i usually choose to take care of things. i can feel myself getting caught up in the chaos that is surrounding me and it is not a good place for this addict to be. i want to drop my frustration and anger and participate in a very familiar behavior: stirring the pot! what i am going to do, no matter how difficult, is step away and allow others to live through what they need to live through.
me., today, well i am still struggling with my fear about letting go of what once worked and yes, may still be working and see if i can consciously choose to admit that i am not was well as i want to think i am, just for today.

∞ DT ∞