Blog entry for:

for myself and reaping the rewards. one of the themes of my recovery journey has been learning how to take responsibility for my recovery and surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels that recovery. even though i grew up in a time and place that did not have a whole lot of chaos or angst and was not a victim of any sort of abuse, i still felt as if i was victim. i felt “cheated” by the circumstances of my birth and was always ravenous for a better life situation. that sense of not being born under the “right sign” was only enhanced when i started using, because when i was high i was okay, and when i was not, well one certainly know how that story goes. the decades i spent blaming everything and everyone else for my life circumstances certainly took its toll on me. walking into the rooms of recovery, i was stunned and quite pleased to discover that i had a “disease” and suddenly nothing was my fault.
those eighteen months of abstinence and “sham” recovery, may not have been the healthiest time in my life, but they were certainly what this addict needed to land him in the room of this fellowship, instead of a frequent flyer at the local sheriff's bed and breakfast. even that long journey into the light did very little to dispel the notion that i was a victim of addiction and all that i did in the past was the result of being an addict. “the devil made me do it,” was my favorite trope and a mantra that i lived by for quite some time. i was unwilling to take responsibility and own the fact that i was NOT two separate people and that addiction was part of who i am. as long as i could keep saying “i hear the addict inside speaking to me in my own voice,” i still had a foil for bad behavior, both past and present. when i finally reached the point in my life when i accepted that i was THE ADDICT and it was me that was trying to kill myself by using, then i was finally ready to step up to the plate and take responsibility for my recovery.
that event, and yes it was a culminating event of a long and drawn out process, opened the door for me to better understand who and what i was. fast forward to today. these days, i still may feel dissatisfied for what i have and still desire that Maserati and mansion, BUT i know who is responsible for making that a reality. it is not Santa Claus. it is not my sponsor. it is not GOD. it is not my peers in the rooms, it is me. if i DESIRE more from my life than i NEED to take responsibility for doing the footwork. everything i have received in recovery, is the end result of doing the work and taking responsibility for living a program of active recovery. as i step out into this day, i can be certain that i will have challenges, professionally, physically, mentally, emotionally and certainly spiritually. i can play the victim to what life tosses at me today, or i can do my best to take responsibility for my part and walk away. just for today, i believe i will honor my choice to stay clean today.

∞ DT ∞