Blog entry for:

for myself! i have to admit when i came to the rooms, i truly thought i was doing everything for myself. even after a minute clean, i still was quite clueless about what being “responsible” for my recovery relly meant, after all, my first sponsor told me to stop thinking and ask him, before i decided if i was going to shit or not today. well maybe not that bad, but certainly damn close. when i pulled my head out of my ass and came to terms with who and what i was, being responsible was still not on the top of my list. i was better at owning the stuff i did, in real time, but still even better at rationalizing and justfying away any sort of blame.
spending eighteen months writing my fiirst “real” TENTH STEP, night after night, as i kept wishing for my sponsor to suddenly appear from out the ether, taught me a helluva a lot, about what was mine to own and what was not. when i finally chose to move up, my sponsorship family tree and ask my grandsponsor to temporarily sponsor me, i finaally got a huge clue about what taking ressponsibility for my recovery meant. my second sponsor did come back into my life several yeaars later, but by that time i had moved on to the best fVcking sponsor in the world for me. that man continues to guide me to places i have avoided going to for the two decades i have been clean.
today as i post this way late in my afternoon, i know that i am okay with owning what is mine. being kind to Kathy's grandsons is something i need to do, even though up until this point i haave not been a HUGE participant in their lives. i also need to be okay with all of the oddities and quirks that have filled my day. as the days roll by and i become more relaxed, on this vacation, i will be better able to be a part of all of theiir lives, which is certainly something i need to own. so off for a quick nap before dinner, wwith the thought that i can always be a bit better at taking care of my stuff and more importantly leaving everyone else's behind.

∞ DT ∞