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that i am equally responsible for the solutions. well here i sit this morning, not quite sure what i am feeling.i woke up early today, which was not a bad thing as today is my day to do a long run. i got my weekly household tasks started, i ate breakfast, read the news and still here i sit unable to pinpoint what i am feeling this morning. is this a problem? well it certainly was not a problem in active addiction, as when i felt like this the cure was ready at hand. in earlier phases of my recovery, this was also not a problem, as i had yet to understand about being present and lacked the tools to be so, at least on a consistent basis. actually, in the big scheme of problem sin my life, this is a fairly minor one. it just stands out, because i have become accustomed to being able to pinpoint my feelings, even when they are all over the place. focusing in on this, i can start to see, that is exactly where my feelings are this morning -- ALL OVER THE PLACE!
the reading was not about feelings and being present for them, it was accepting that, for the most part, i am the root cause of all my problems, and as a result, i get to be the driving force for finding and implementing the solutions. so on that note i think i will switch gears…
this takes me back to the three disturbing realizations. number three was the toughest one for me to get, and when i was talking about them with the latest addition to the men i sponsor, it was also the one which tripped him up as well. life in active addiction was a life where i GOT to assign blame for everything that was wrong in my life, to anyone BUT me. life in that world was wonderfully blissful most of time, because when reality to dot jibe with my fantasy world, i could dive into better feeling through chemistry and all of a sudden any incongruities vanished into smoke. learning to accept that I WAS the problem and it was not anything else, including the chemical vacations i took from the real world, was tough. i hear the same words come out of the mouths of the men i sponsor, and i wonder HOW DID I EVER GET PAST THAT SH!T? well it was not easy, and it came from working the steps, and learning to live them, not just paying lip service to them. accepting that i am the problem, simplifies everything, for if it me who is the problem, if i want my problems to vanish, all i have to do is change me. in my experiences the only thing that has changed me, is tectonic upheavals in my rigid belief and value system. in the past, that usually came from major catastrophes, but as i was still using, those cataclysms were soon forgotten and numbed away. since i live a life where abstinence is the major factor, it is only the step process that alters that structure significantly enough for me to grow. there have been and i am sure if i keep doing what i am doing there will be many more changes in that structure, and as painful as each one of those are, the end result has always been something that makes me a better person, one iota closer to the person i have always wanted to be. that person accepts that he is the problem as well as the solution, and that life is just life. so whether an ex-sponsee is out running and gunning, or is doing what he can to walk the straight and narrow, it is not fro me to worry. i am certain that i gave him all i had, he too, needs to own up the disturbing fact that like me, he is the root cause of his problem and the ultimate solution. so off to the streets and into this muggy morning to work off last night's tiramisu gelato. you know what? i may not know what i am feeling any better than when is tarted this exercise, but it is no longer such a big thing for me right now, i know i am feeling more complete and more satisfied, so i think i will go with that and see where this day takes me.

∞ DT ∞