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nor can i expect my friends or sponsor to be responsible for the work i must do myself. while listening to the void this morning, and i really did get there for a brief moment, i realized that this would be another perfect opportunity to rail against those who i have made my object lessons, after all…
…but not today!
lately, i have less and less solace in participating in that behavior and have started this dive inward to see what i can do about myself. those others, while they have been instructive in the past, to see what and where i wanted my recovery to be, are now becoming quite irrelevant, and their irrelevancy grows day by day. not that i am finishing the process of turning them into objects, although i could certainly see that, what i believe that i have finally done is to stop giving them any power, and letting go of all the power i have given them in the past. most importantly, letting go of my anger at myself for giving away so much of the little personal power i have and the POWER that has been given to me. how on this green earth, does that even remotely apply to the topic at hand?
well, i could start with a bit of rhetorical flourish, and a logical argument to manipulate you into seeing where i am going, this morning, HOWEVER, i do believe i will dive straight into the heart of the matter and see if i can drag you there with me. the fact that i have turned more than one member into an object, even for a minute, to take back my power, is an abdication of my responsibility to maintain and nourish my recovery. i have quite conveniently shifted the balm for my less than stellar behavior on to their broad shoulders and hence can walk away feeling smug, self-satisfies and confident that i am on the right side of the spiritual street. with one quick stroke of genius, my anger is no longer misplaced, i can now be angry at them rather than myself, and move forward in confidence. that action however, does very little to relieve the inner turmoil i feel as i look to my own life, and see examples of the same behavior being manifest moment by moment by myself. so looking to my examples again, i can say well so and so has so many more years of recovery than i do, and yet they still do…
and voilà, soup is made!
if i want to resolve the set of resentments i have about me and my behaviors, and trust me i do, and if i want to live a path that will take me to the sort of man that i have always wanted to be, than the time has come to grow up and take responsibility for who i am and what i do toady and step up the amends process to myself. the first step -- forgive myself for giving my power away -- i did what i did, because that is what i thought i needed to do.most importantly, when i feel myself slipping into the need to give away my personal power, STOP and consider whether or not this something i am ready accept the consequences of my actions. i already know the answer to that: a BIG FAT RESOUNDING NO!
i am tired of living in the world of what-ifs and who-dids and ready to take some steps into the world of i am. so my task today is to take responsibility for becoming who i am, and leave the rest of who they are behind. after all, i do not have that much extra power to throw around and to squander that gift is hardly a spiritual path to trod upon this morning.
speaking of trod, the time has come to hit the streets, while it is still cool and i am still energetic and charged up, after all, i also have the power to keep myself healthy and fit.

∞ DT ∞