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this is one of the hardest pieces of active recovery for me to accept on a daily basis. not that i find any problem with what it is saying, nor do i feel i am entitled or owed anything and yet, here is where the rebellion often starts.
i know, my favorite two words, that part of this comes form years of active addiction. i am also fairly certain, that part of this comes from being the person i am, culturally and socially conditioned to shift as much blame off to someone, anyone else. so i could stop there quite easily shifting the responsibility of being responsible off to society, culture and active addiction and walking merrily away and not looking back.
what i really know, that as attractive as that behavior may sound, and trust me it sounds as delicious as a creme bruleé this morning, i know that is the way back into becoming the man i once was. you see, a funny thing happened along the way. as distasteful as taking responsibility may have once been, and from time to time, still seems, taking responsibility for my recovery has elevated beyond who i was when i first arrived in the rooms. the person who shifted, and diverted responsibility on to life, the universe, everything and anyone else, is no longer present. oh, he still exists and can return to life like some sort of brain-sucking zombie, but for the most part he is dead and buried and remains so, because i CHOOSE to work an program of active recovery. what that means is that to the best of my ability i accept that there is stuff that i MUST do, there is stuff that i WANT to do and there is stuff that is nice to do. all of those need to be balanced as best as i can across the course of my waking hours. part of what i MUST do, is LIVE STEPS 1, 2 and 3 every day and for me practice STEPS 10, 11 and 12 in all my affairs. i know, here i go again, preaching the steps and how much they have affected who i am. i know it gets sounding like a broken record, and for me that is because i am so FVCKING GRATEFUL for what the steps have done for me. yes, even though i have to take responsibility for my life and behavior these days, there is a certain freedom in that.
ah, but here is the tricky part, where does taking responsibility for my recovery and my life end and self-will begin?generally speaking. sitting in front of my computer playing computer games and waiting for money to drop into my bank account is not letting go, is not taking responsibility for my life and is self will. expanding my business contacts, taking phone interviews and offers, looking online at Monster and Craig's list for paying gigs is taking responsibility, the final piece of this is, i must let go of my expectations of what the results of that footwork may be. then and only then have i moved out of self-will and into the realm of active recovery, and of course that is where i stumble when i look at my life through the black and white glasses that i came to recovery wearing. there may be lots of shades of gray, but there are more than a few litmus tests of whether or not i am living a program of active recovery or living a life in abstinence and insanity. taking responsibility for my recovery, my behaviors and the consequences thereof, is certainly one of those indicators of how well i am doing today. not that i am anywhere close to being perfect, i am however a whole lot better most days, than when i first started this journey and that is the HOPE of the program, to become more than i ever dreamed was possible. so time to become a little less of the man i was yesterday and go out for a quick trot around the neighborhood, with this is mind, if i want the gifts i have gotten to keep on coming, it is up to me to keep doing the thing i have been taught to do.

∞ DT ∞