Blog entry for:

by doing it for myself, i receive the rewards.
and get to take the risks, and face the consequences of bad decisions. so the things i fear the most, having to accept blame and being a failure, are laid right on my doorstep. and sometimes, well honestly most of the time, i do not see the rewards and look solely at the disincentives to take responsibility. in fact one of my favorite decisions-making modes is to decide to not to decide at all. then the blame goes to GOD or the forces that be or karma or anything but me. it is a nice piece of sophistry when it works!
and that manner of decision-making while not addressed explicitly by today’s entry, is what i heard when i read it this morning. i have never been too good at palming off my responsibilities to other people, at least directly. no i have always done my best to work in the shadows and the way i pass on my responsibility goes back to the mode of decision-making that i like the best -- doing nothing. when i get tired of a social responsibility, i stop showing up. when i have had enough of a service commitment i disappear, and when i do not want to grow in recovery, i stop writing and working steps. simply put i just quit! and that manner of living worked very well when i was using, it ended relationships, friendships, jobs, volunteer commitments and family obligations. and you know what, the consequence of being thought of as a flake was an excellent side effect, that way no one ever counted on me for anything!
well as firmly entrenched as i am in recovery, this method of living only works for very brief periods of time and that is a good thing. i have developed a manner of living that requires that i as an individual take responsibility for my life and i have come to realize that making a decision not to make a decision has consequences it and of itself, that are my responsibility and not some nebulous entity that i have created on which to blame my problems. and i am not talking about the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS. for lack of a better term i guess i could call the entity i blame my lower power. it is the construct i have created to blame all my bad behaviors, and lack of decision-making on. it is the scapegoat that i carry and never speak about, and truthfully it is just another way of denying my responsibility for my life.
so what do i need to do today? well some work for a client, call my addict and decide to actively participate in my recovery today!

∞ DT ∞