Blog entry for:

i take the time to appreciate all the precious gifts that recovery brings. and for me there have been many, including the ability to walk through my fear and say things that have been building up inside across the years. i have completed my second of three unpleasant conversations, and it went exactly the way i expected it to go. **SIGH** that what happens when you have expectations, i was hesitant in moving forward, i wanted to be less than honest, but i did what i knew was the right thing for me to do and even though i focused solely on my feelings and perceptions, i was summarily dismissed. somehow, in the course of my action, my voice was once again not heard and today i am grieving that lost relationship. or am i? as i think back on the relationship, i was never treated as an equal in any matter nor was i ever given the opportunity to decide what i needed in the here and now. sometimes when all i wanted was a shoulder to cry on i got a personal visit. sometimes when all i wanted to do was talk something through myself and have them listen i got suggestions and advice. and whenever i asserted myself and said something unpleasant, the response was how could i victimize them in such a way. so the controlling, know it all, martyr versus the petulant, rebellious brat. --quite a healthy relationship--
well that is gone and it is time for me to move on, which i am having just a bit of trouble doing. even though i was hardly getting what i thought i wanted or needed, the pain of that relationship was familiar and i am sadistic enough that once a rut has been established, no matter how painful, i stay there and keep it furnished, loathing to try something new. well i guess accepting this behavior, at least in this respect, has come to an end, for this addict. and it is probably about time! am i sad that i could not find another method of getting out of my rut? yes i am. am i a victim because things did not work out the way i wanted them to? not at all, it is just as it is supposed to be. will i let these results color my interactions with this individual in the future? i certainly hope not. what i feel right here and right now as i write this is a shift in my feelings and asking for mercy and praying to be compassionate, seems the direction i need to go. i will not spout off like some fundamentalist and say that GOD’s will is this or that, i lack the hubris to do that today. i will however, let the day unfold as it will and take care of what i need to do today, and right here and right now, it is getting dressed and getting out to get my daily workout done. writing this allows me to workout without giving someone the power to control it. and for me that is a good thing.

∞ DT ∞