โ i realize i would not really want justice -- โ
Posted: Thu, Oct 5, 2006 07:17:37 AM
not for myself, and not for others. what i want is mercy.
or do i? when i feel violated, victimized, used and abused, compassion, mercy? HAH! do you not know who i am, what i want retribution and revenge, even justice is too wimpy of an alternative! after all, when i was active in the game of finding the ways and means, mercy and justice were the bastions of the weak and feeble players, and of course i did my best to disguise how weak and feeble i really was.
today, however i am in a slightly different state of mind. yes i have been insanely practicing self-will all over the place, and yes i have been nurturing the few smoldering resentments i have accumulated since my last fourth step, in fact i am working on building up a really big one right now. and you know what, it all has to do with the confusion i have in my mind about what people SHOULD do, and what they CAN do. and when they do not do what the SHOULD, the judge in my head sentences them to execution in the most painful manner possible, and then my executioner takes over, systematically stripping them of any shred of respect, or compassion i may have once shown them. not a pretty picture, and the reading this morning brought it home with such force, that i almost choked on my coffee as i reread the reading.
so how does someone like me step back from the whole judge/executioner paradigm and find it in my heart to offer compassion and wish for mercy for those who i believe crapped all over me? well the first thing i need to remember is what my behavior was like when i was using. i am totally grateful that even through the justice system, i go mercy. i was given the chance to recover instead of being sent to the state penal system. since my selfish self-centered behavior did not stop when i stopped using, DAMMIT, i also have to look at the damage and harm i have caused across the course of my recovery -- and that is not a pretty picture either. those who i have wronged have told me they forgave me, and have allowed me to make reparations for the harm i caused, instead of "ex-ing" out of their lives. they have treated me with the compassion and mercy that any human being is entitled to. and i know that last statement is a bit broad, but this morning i am not in a place where i want to start making exceptions for the truly evil, heinous members of modern society, be that as it may, my mission today, should i choose to accept it, is too practice forgiveness, compassion and mercy to the best of my ability. and that my friends is task enough for any human being, much less a recovering addict like me!
or do i? when i feel violated, victimized, used and abused, compassion, mercy? HAH! do you not know who i am, what i want retribution and revenge, even justice is too wimpy of an alternative! after all, when i was active in the game of finding the ways and means, mercy and justice were the bastions of the weak and feeble players, and of course i did my best to disguise how weak and feeble i really was.
today, however i am in a slightly different state of mind. yes i have been insanely practicing self-will all over the place, and yes i have been nurturing the few smoldering resentments i have accumulated since my last fourth step, in fact i am working on building up a really big one right now. and you know what, it all has to do with the confusion i have in my mind about what people SHOULD do, and what they CAN do. and when they do not do what the SHOULD, the judge in my head sentences them to execution in the most painful manner possible, and then my executioner takes over, systematically stripping them of any shred of respect, or compassion i may have once shown them. not a pretty picture, and the reading this morning brought it home with such force, that i almost choked on my coffee as i reread the reading.
so how does someone like me step back from the whole judge/executioner paradigm and find it in my heart to offer compassion and wish for mercy for those who i believe crapped all over me? well the first thing i need to remember is what my behavior was like when i was using. i am totally grateful that even through the justice system, i go mercy. i was given the chance to recover instead of being sent to the state penal system. since my selfish self-centered behavior did not stop when i stopped using, DAMMIT, i also have to look at the damage and harm i have caused across the course of my recovery -- and that is not a pretty picture either. those who i have wronged have told me they forgave me, and have allowed me to make reparations for the harm i caused, instead of "ex-ing" out of their lives. they have treated me with the compassion and mercy that any human being is entitled to. and i know that last statement is a bit broad, but this morning i am not in a place where i want to start making exceptions for the truly evil, heinous members of modern society, be that as it may, my mission today, should i choose to accept it, is too practice forgiveness, compassion and mercy to the best of my ability. and that my friends is task enough for any human being, much less a recovering addict like me!
∞ DT ∞