Blog entry for:

of being a victim, even when justified and a reflection of the reality of a situation, will not help me to progress into becoming the person i have the DESIRE to be, today. this morning, what i heard was an echo of a notion that has been ringing in my head since my FIFTH STEP, revenge and justice needed to be wreaked upon the perpetrator of my misery. if the universe was unwilling to exact that pound of flesh, i would do so myself, with extreme prejudice. what i heard this morning was that i might not really want that sort of pain inflicted after all, and that perhaps, i just needed to allow myself the freedom to forgive and ease on down the road.
i “solved” the dilemma i was having with my once upon a time sponsee. as i sat last night, going over me day, i realized that agonizing over a decision that does not need to be made until early November was unfair to me. allowing him to assume that things were what they once were, in regards to our relation ship was unfair to him, as he needed to have the opportunity to seek a different sponsor, if one came down the pike. in this case, i wanted punishment for someone who has had a tenuous grasp on what being honest is with me and letting him twist in the wind would fit that bill. in reality, it was me that was doing all the twisting, considering and listening for direction and i am unsure if he even gave it two minutes of his time. ironic, that the person who paid the price was me.
this morning, i am clear about the direction i need to go ↻ put my head down and code my brains out, asking for help when i get stuck. i also need to get a token of clean time into the hands of my sponsee from deep in the heart of Texas before he flies back. i also need to allow myself to be okay with where i have been, and find some acceptance about where i am going. i feel better about who i am, after one of those nights when it seemed that i could no=t shut down and drift off to deep sleep. i know i have lots of room for improvement and i have the desire to excel at this job, after my painfully slow start. attention to detail, is my watchword today. with all the meetings i have this morning, i need to get out and pound some miles. life in my skin is not so terrible today and even though i will more than likely end-up doing something for someone today, that they are capable but unwilling to do, i can be okay knowing that i CHOSE to do so, and they CHOSE not to.

∞ DT ∞