Blog entry for:

when i cut away my justifications and my ideas of being a victim, i am struck by how much mercy i have received. this morning, like many mornings, i sit here and contemplate where i am today, and where i am going. yes, there are times when i was victimized by others, and yes i was a victim of myself when i was in active addiction. one of the three disturbing realization strips away that illusion, by stating that i NEED to be responsible for my recovery. the TENTH STEP furthers that idea, providing a tool that i can use, to see how i have harmed others, and giving the means to repair that damage.
understandably, at this point in my recovery, the last thing i want to admit, to myself or anyone else, is that somehow i am still creating damage. the truth is, that i am a human being, subject to all the frailties that come from being human and on top of that i am an addict. this could be used as an excuse, i can even hear myself saying, “well pardon me for being human!”
of course, when i detect that someone is doing me wrong, the first place i go to is how dare they! they are also human and life itself is full of interactions with those very same flawed beings. do i really want to go through life playing a victim? as convenient as that may be, from time to time, all that attitude does for me, is to keep me stewing in my own sh!t. i was truly impressed by a phone call i got yesterday afternoon, and more than a little disappointed that what i had told this addict a few months ago was misinterpreted. i do not believe, that if he sorted out what i was saying from what he thought i was saying, there would have been any difference in the final outcome. looking over the letter i wrote, i can see where his interpretation could have been a valid one, as i was imprecise in my language. did i cause him to trot down the path that has led to the dire consequences he now faces? not by a long shot. is there damage here? perhaps., and that will be an issue i need to explore further with my sponsor. i am certain however, that what i want today is mercy, not justice, for him as well as me.
so stripping away the denial of my behavior, and actually rereading what i wrote, i can see where he got the impression he did. he read one phrase and skipped the rest. yes i was cold in that letter, and yes there was anger expressed in no uncertain terms. all of that is true, what is also true is that there was a way out, for the both of us, only one of us saw that, and here we sit 90 days later separated by consequences and choices the two of us have made.
where do i go from here? i am going to jump in the shower, then pound out some work that has been languishing on my desk, and who knows what after that. it is a good day to be clean and i can tap into the POWER that keeps me clean and will give me what i NEED today. damage? mercy? justice? all great topics to ponder as my day goes on, and ones that will take a back burner for now. i can however take a look at what i am doing in the here and now, and do my best to avoid damage, practice mercy and all justice to take its course.

∞ DT ∞