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to others.
as i sat in the meeting last dreading the usual patter that the treatment facility attendees usually spew, i was pleasantly surprised that they actually took up the topic of the reading and actually shared some of their reality, rather than their posturing. i am not sure if i was more willing to look for the diamonds instead of the vomit last night, or if they were actually being real, but it does not matter. last night, i learned more about how to do this gig from the “rehabbers” than i did from the members who have decades clean. last night i put away my sharp knives and suspended my disbelief for long enough to actually hear what was being said, in other words i showed them and myself a bit of mercy, a day before the reading spoke to that topic. life in the real world however does not always work out that way,at least for me.
honestly, back in the day it was not mercy i sought, it was absolution and exoneration. having become an expert at disguising my request for a “get out of jail free card,” as a humble request for mercy instead of justice, in recovery that was one behavior that seemed to be already part and parcel of what spiritual principles were all about, asking for mercy and forgiveness. the only problem was, i did not want mercy i wanted exoneration and a pardon form my victims and it is certainly a good thing that there are eight steps before i started going around seeking forgiveness and mercy. it never stops astonishing me, how dishonest and duplicitous my behavior can be and how good i have become over the days i have been clean, at hiding that stuff under a whole mound of spiritual camouflage and justifications. why should i seek mercy, when no one can even prove i did anything wrong? the smoke and mirrors i have learned to generate, never seem to fail, and it certainly sucks, that when i sit at the end of my day and go over my actions, thoughts and reactions, to the events of the day, i find that although i may have appeared to be in the right 99.9999% of the time, that .0001% is the most dangerous and is the place i reserve for self-will, entitlement and self-interest. that is the part i have to go take care of and that is where i certainly showed no mercy. after all, when i am acting out in pure self-interest, nothing else matters, and even if i destroyed someone's life i am quite sure there was a very good reason for that, NOT!
what i walked out of that meeting last night with, was HOPE for a change, instead of fodder for this exercise. i GOT to hear how the newest of the new were actually living and as my mind opened to what they were saying, i found myself less rigid,. stiff and certainly less set in my ways. oh i am certain that the next time i am at a meeting with all of them, i will drop back into being a judgemental a$$hole, but at least in that moment and just for today, i could be merciful to them and most importantly to myself. it is me, after all, who needs the bulk of my mercy on a daily basis, the rest is just what happens when i get finished pounding upon myself.
anyhow, it is time to make the donuts, and see what i can do today, to make the world a little less cold and a bit more merciful.

∞ DT ∞