๐ when i ๐
Posted: Thu, Oct 5, 2017 07:33:15 AM
feel victimized, i wail for revenge, retribution and justice, after all how could they do that to me!? so i have to say, this is NOT one of my favorite readings, because most of the time, i do not want mercy for anyone but myself. i certainly want everyone else to get what they deserve, especially when it is me who is the “victim” of their lapse in judgement or morality. being reminded even i make a mistake or three, on a daily basis, that may require being showed mercy, rather than punishment, makes this pill all that much more bitter and more difficult to swallow.
thinking back to my conversation the other day, the lack or remorse and ownership of part of the mess they found themselves enmeshed within, reminds me of how i look at things, or at least used to look at things. when i got clean, it was NEVER my fault, so what if i nicked something form you, i would have manipulated you into giving it to me in the long run. shifting the blame onto someone or anything else, was certainly the next phase of getting away with something and when it appeared that too would fail, well, the victim card was ready to be played and was played often and with great aplomb.
after a while in recovery, however, that lost its luster and i was left with nothing to do, save to own what i have done and learn to forgive others when they done me wrong. at least one of my former sponsees may dispute that, as i hardly treat him as he believes i should. be that as it may, i have shown him far more than mercy and forgiveness, i have shown him love and unfortunately, a path to pull himself out of the wreckage he has created. it is out of love, that i no longer provide for his wants, and perhaps the most merciful thing to do, is what i am doing. what he wants and needs, is not what this exercise is all about this morning, but it certainly drives home the point for me ↝ i really do not know the difference between my needs and my wants and get them confused all the time. so dispensing mercy,, rather than justice is certainly a different set of behaviors for this addict. as i walk therough my day in the real world, i will remain a bit more observant of whether or not the situations i encounter require me to forgive and be merciful, rather than get all butt-hurt and dispense self-righteous, vengeful justice. after all, justice is all about evening the score.
thinking back to my conversation the other day, the lack or remorse and ownership of part of the mess they found themselves enmeshed within, reminds me of how i look at things, or at least used to look at things. when i got clean, it was NEVER my fault, so what if i nicked something form you, i would have manipulated you into giving it to me in the long run. shifting the blame onto someone or anything else, was certainly the next phase of getting away with something and when it appeared that too would fail, well, the victim card was ready to be played and was played often and with great aplomb.
after a while in recovery, however, that lost its luster and i was left with nothing to do, save to own what i have done and learn to forgive others when they done me wrong. at least one of my former sponsees may dispute that, as i hardly treat him as he believes i should. be that as it may, i have shown him far more than mercy and forgiveness, i have shown him love and unfortunately, a path to pull himself out of the wreckage he has created. it is out of love, that i no longer provide for his wants, and perhaps the most merciful thing to do, is what i am doing. what he wants and needs, is not what this exercise is all about this morning, but it certainly drives home the point for me ↝ i really do not know the difference between my needs and my wants and get them confused all the time. so dispensing mercy,, rather than justice is certainly a different set of behaviors for this addict. as i walk therough my day in the real world, i will remain a bit more observant of whether or not the situations i encounter require me to forgive and be merciful, rather than get all butt-hurt and dispense self-righteous, vengeful justice. after all, justice is all about evening the score.
∞ DT ∞