Blog entry for:

eligible to be the still-suffering addict, keeps me grounded. i met with my new sponsor today as i expected he gave me a writing assignment to kick off this next round of steps. it was a nice change of pace, as he asked me to deal with the unmanageability part of the STEP ONE, rather than the powerless part. for the first time in a very long time, i seeing this as an opportunity, rather than an impediment to my ongoing recovery. i may still be as powerless over addiction as i was the first day i actually committed to this program of recovery, but the nature of how my life is unmanageable has taken quite a turn for the weird and different,, and i am quite sure that will be a topic for further exp[oration as i allow it settle in and i start to allow myself to hear what is happening in regards to that notion, as the next few days roll by.
today i can state unequivocally that i am not “still suffering.” which brings me to a humorous story about one of my sponsee brothers, back in the day. his nickname was “Still-Suffering,” it was well earned as he never seemed to have any relief from the turmoils and troubles of his life. he was world famous for “puking” every time he shared and way back then, i told myself if i was still as miserable as he was, after a few years clean, i would return to a life where using was part of my daily activities. do not get me wrong, i can fall into that same trap, when i allow my expectations of what i can change and what i have to accept, get out of hand. my life is far from perfect and spending $2000 or more on getting my teeth back to health was not something i was planning on, when i changed dentists. i was about to go down the path of dissing that dental practice, when i realized it would do very little to salve the sting of the price i paid and will be paying, to return my mouth back to mere maintenance mode. it is now behind me and perhaps i will take a suggestion and step up my daily dental routine.
where i am going to need some help in the next few weeks is how do i let go of what a man i sponsor believes and the attitudes he holds, so i can give him the stuff he requires to move forward in his recovery. changing sponsors was a first step in that direction and writing out my assignment may open my mind and allow me the freedom to abandon what i think and listen for what may be new. i know that it is a scientific fact that the world is not flat, despite the direct evidence i get with my eyes on a daily basis. i also know that “they” do not control the weather and “they” did NOT direct Helene to strike where it did. bringing the topic back from conspiracy and lunacy, i know that i am an addict and all that i do and think is filtered through that part of me i call addiction. my non-alcoholic beer experiment was an abject failure, i did not like it, i did not feel closer to my work peers as they enjoyed their beverages and i was far from satisfied, once again about what it did not do for me. that was my sojourn into appearing “normal” and one i will not repeat any time in the near future. i am okay today, being who i am and part of who i am, is an addict. i may not show that part to every person i meet or work with, but it is there and always looking for the excuse to for me to say fuck it all and see where that leads. just for today, i will own my recovery and use the principles of the program as a foil against that part of me.

∞ DT ∞