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i realize that i GOT mercy and am grateful that it was not justice.
a theme i have been hearing lately is how much of a victim some people believe they are, it is one that resonates deeply within, for i can quickly see how i was victimized by being human, as well as being a victim of addiction, i am not speaking about something in the distant past of active addiction, i am talking about the here and now, in fact yesterday, i heard myself whining internally about HOW…
so you all thought i was going to unload on some unwitting person, huh? well i am sort of, myself. at least i am going to be kinder and gentler than i am most times.
what i heard in the brief time i COULD get quiet this morning, was that i am NOT a victim unless i choose to be. yes i am human, but those in the other 85% seem to have little trouble accepting the frailties of being human and not seeing them as a curse and a burden. not that all of them do it perfectly all of the time, but they certainly do a better job instinctively than i seem to do. pile on top of that heaping dose of reality the fact that i am an addict and man what i see is a perfect storm of how woeful and inadequate i am, and if i allow the part of me that i call addiction to twist the tools of recovery i have been given, well it certainly gets worse from there.
today, i refuse to be a victim of either my human condition or addiction. on the human front, i accept that i am just that, human, i have assets, defects, skills and deficiencies in my make-up and that is more than just okay. i can love myself BECAUSE of all of that, NOT DESPITE IT. on the addiction front, i accept that it is a part of me, AND I CAN KEEP IT at bay, by living a program of recovery, that INCLUDES a connection with the POWER that fuels my recovery. in fact, without the tools of recovery, i know that i would never be able to accept myself and yes love myself, just as i am, right here and right now. so i can STOP acting as if my addiction is some lower power that punishes me and makes my life harder than it needs to be. i can accept that today I HAVE the power within to see myself as i am, and when that power runs low, i have a connection with THE POWER that fuels my recovery, that can recharge, and sustain me. i am an active part of my life today and am doing the best i can to be more than i was yesterday. so it is off to the salt mines i go, to get a little bit better off, financially than i was yesterday. i am grateful that i have the life i have today, and YES I REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM today, for any reason. bad things may happen, how i interpret those events is totally up to me.

∞ DT ∞