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rather than demanding justice, is certainly an interesting concept to explore this morning. it sometimes feels like a tough road to travel down, especially when what someone once did, created a reaction that stifled my growth and kept me from seeing who i was and what i wanted to be. asking for mercy for them, feels like a stretch and yet, seems to be the direction this addict needs to move towards. of course, i could pretend to be all altruistic and say that is the most spiritual thing to do and i choose to do so, ,because i want to be spiritual. the reality is, it is a selfish choice, as if i offer mercy rather than wait for justice, i get FREEDOM from the weight of the pain i have carried for far too long. offering mercy is the easier and certainly softer way.
moving into what i felt this morning, when Fantasy Football was not on the top of my list, there was a sense of accomplishment and peace coming from changing direction in my desires. in reality, i am now the master of a situation where i could bring down the hammer of justice on someone who may or may not deserve it, and be totally justified in doing so. the power i have accumulated through attrition is amazing and quite intoxicating. even better, the less powerful in this situation is practically clueless that they have lost any hold they may have once had on me. living in a relationship on such an unequal basis was always something i desired but never thought i would achieve it. having found myself in that place, i see that i need to tread carefully. lest i lose myself in the swirl of vengeance and retribution. i have to set a boundary or three for myself and be careful to avoid getting anywhere close to that line, even when i am frustrated by duplicity on their part. life will go on, even if i become a total shit and assert every ounce of power that i have. the question comes down to whether or not i will be able to live with myself if i choose to walk that path. today, how i see myself and how i feel about who i am, is far more important than extracting my pound of flesh, so yes it is mercy i offer, rather than justice., just for for today.

∞ DT ∞