Blog entry for:

my justifications and my ideas of being a victim, at the hands of others can be tough, especially when there is more than a touch of truth in all of them. okay i have to admit that i got scammed twice this summer. i am a REAL victim of unsavory internet denizens that took advantage of my greed and my desire to achieve some financial goals by a shortcut or three. the fact is i was willing to give them what they asked for, because i thought i was getting one over on them. here i sit, sadder, less financially secure and certainly a whole lot wiser and looking to get even by “playing along” with their latest and greatest storefront. DESIRE is once again driving my actions and the balance i have achieved by sitting still and allowing the professionals to do the work, is now threatened by my desire to “will” an outcome 🢩 JUSTICE and REVENGE! hearing that and feeling that, for the what seems like the first time since all of it started, feels good, as if ta dam of emotion has been released, washed over me and cleansed me of the sin of shame of being such a freaking idiot. yes i want to pound those bastards into the ground and if i am provided the opportunity to do so, i will.
moving beyond a need for justice, there is an issue that has been working me over since last night. i guess i need to be more clear about what a brief passage is, and what i THINK is appropriate for a situation. once again i have a DESIRE to run things my way and am all over hammering someone into dust because they do not “do it correctly.” what i see, as i put this down in bits and bytes, is that i am diverting myself by believing i am in control of one thing or another, in order to not have to look at where i am powerless and what i need to do, to be better myself.
after a quick trip with the dawg, i see and yes i feel once again in balance and that somehow all of this is going to work out, with or without me manipulating others into doing my bidding, cajoling or otherwise exercising self-will. will i get justice? that is something that is yet to be seen. the question and my overarching concern today, is can i ask for mercy from my internal critic and live life, just for today, allowing the rest of the world, including the rat bastards that i fell prey to, to live theirs. it is after all, a great day to let go and be more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞