โ if i take a look back on my own behavior โ
Posted: Mon, Oct 5, 2009 08:09:43 AM
i may find that i have been guilty of doing what has been done to me. i have spent a whole lot of time lamenting what has been done to me, and how i allowed and even encouraged it to happen over the past year. while a;ll of that vile venom needed to be expelled, what i heard this morning was it was time to stop playing a victim to events in the past, that will never be rectified and move forward by looking at my own self, and seeing how i can improve my relationships in the here and now.
i do not want to play the leading role as the villain in my relationships, and the only was i can do so, is to make sure that i am participating in those relationships in the manner i expect of others. i am getting tired of playing a victim and wailing about how wronged i have been in the past, BUT the only one who change that is me, and i have the tools at my disposal to do so. of course i want revenge, or even better justice -- which is just institutionalized revenge --. i have not gotten so well that the part of me that cries out for justice has been silenced.
quite honestly i am sad that some things can not be repaired at this time, for whatever reason. unlike others i can forgive and move on, but i never seem to forget, nor do i feel the need to do so. not talking about the past does not change it, it merely creates on more lump under the carpet to trip over everything i walk in that place. i can use the pain, remorse and regret i feel as tools to improve the quality of the relationships i still have. if i want to be respected, i will act respectful. if i want to be heard, i will listen. if i want equality, i will treat them as peers. most importantly, if i need a shoulder to cry on, i need to make damn sure that my shoulder is available.
on and on i could go, citing the wrongs and making the corrections. this exercise, while certainly one was to spend my time, is hardly a fruitful manner in which to live, so instead i will get ready to run after dropping this bon mot: life is not a series of accidents, unless i choose to be its victim, just for today i do believe i will be more than a victim of the vagaries of life in the real world, i will participate in my recovery and my personal growth.
i do not want to play the leading role as the villain in my relationships, and the only was i can do so, is to make sure that i am participating in those relationships in the manner i expect of others. i am getting tired of playing a victim and wailing about how wronged i have been in the past, BUT the only one who change that is me, and i have the tools at my disposal to do so. of course i want revenge, or even better justice -- which is just institutionalized revenge --. i have not gotten so well that the part of me that cries out for justice has been silenced.
quite honestly i am sad that some things can not be repaired at this time, for whatever reason. unlike others i can forgive and move on, but i never seem to forget, nor do i feel the need to do so. not talking about the past does not change it, it merely creates on more lump under the carpet to trip over everything i walk in that place. i can use the pain, remorse and regret i feel as tools to improve the quality of the relationships i still have. if i want to be respected, i will act respectful. if i want to be heard, i will listen. if i want equality, i will treat them as peers. most importantly, if i need a shoulder to cry on, i need to make damn sure that my shoulder is available.
on and on i could go, citing the wrongs and making the corrections. this exercise, while certainly one was to spend my time, is hardly a fruitful manner in which to live, so instead i will get ready to run after dropping this bon mot: life is not a series of accidents, unless i choose to be its victim, just for today i do believe i will be more than a victim of the vagaries of life in the real world, i will participate in my recovery and my personal growth.
∞ DT ∞