Blog entry for:

seriously, **something** happens in my life every day. some of those happenings i find desirable, so not so much and most are just there, neither desirable or undesirable. the whole premise of the the reading this morning, seems to be pointing to those undesirable happenings and my reactions and responses to them. living as i do, in the real world, instead of the fantasy world of my delusional denial, i have to interact with all sorts of people all day long. i can choose to be a victim to their whims and rail for them to “get theirs';” fretting and fuming about how they done me so f*cking wrong and what i am going to do when i catch up with them.
so this is the part where i pretend to be all spiritual and saint-like and say through the program of recovery that i have integrated into my life, i am no longer a slave to my desire for vengeance and justice for me. sure i can say that, and perhaps it is true fro 2.2 seconds a day. i can even crow about how having a “negative” feeling or three did not send me off to the dope man. that is also a true fact. i am far from being the caring and all-forgiving soul i like to play for the masses, but i am also not the resentful and bitter person who wore my victim-hood like a good martyr and railed about how unjust the world was. i am certainly better that i was and as much as i loathe to say it, i still react, rather than respond, to being hurt, embarrassed or humiliated.
all of that aside, today i am okay after taking the afternoon off yesterday and getting in a couple of naps, and some serious down time. this morning, as i sit here pounding this out, i am grateful that i have a life that is worth living. i am grateful that my peers have taught me how to not be a victim to addiction, the world around me and the people who i come in contact with, on a daily basis. yes i can certainly do better and the chances are that i will. i find it ironic that someone yesterday told me that having an ironclad case against the recovery program i live today was a FIRST STEP failure. i look at that same coin as a FIRST STEP success, as i have yet to gather a preponderance of evidence to prove that case true, hence i am still around. life is good when i choose to recover, even when it is not so good and one thing you will never hear me whining about, is how in miss my friends in this fellowship, because i chose to hide out in another one, so no one could see me suffer. i have made my bed and i know who my peeps happen to be, so just for today, i think i will do what i need to do, to live that program of recovery and yes, practice a bit of forgiveness and mercy.

∞ DT ∞