Blog entry for:

Step One, and Tradition Five, OH MY! sometimes my source material tries way too hard to come up with new spins on topics that have been part and parcel of the fellowship since the dawn of time. i have no trouble understanding that i am powerless over addiction, have been since before i got clean and will remain so, until the day i shuffle off this mortal coil. i have never been powerless over any one of a plethora of mind or mood altering substances, as it was all about the effects they had on me, and not the substance itself, that drove my uncontrollable need to use. just because i stopped using, did not mean that the desire to get high went away, it just got sublimated into other less than savory behaviors until i decided to take my first step on my recovery journey. it is because of the FIFTH tradition that i ended up in the fellowship i did, after a ginormous boost from the THIRD. once i got the notion in my head that i was not addicted to any substance or behavior and that all of that fit under the single umbrella of addiction, i was finally free to recover from addiction. i can state without any doubt, that had an older and certainly more staid fellowship offered me a similar path to acceptance of being powerless, i would describe myself as sober, rather than clean.
as i sat this morning, not a whole lot came up to the surface and when i arose to start my day, i had a feeling of belonging somewhere. i know that throughout my entire life, i always wanted to belong, and i did everything i could to make myself look and act like those i wanted to be a part of, even in my using circles. even though it took a minute, as i become more self-aware and genuine, i know where i stand in the fellowship that is the root of my recovery. i no longer have to shave off the corners in order for me to fit and i certainly do not need to hide what i am, to appear like someone i am not. as the journey to being me progresses, i am uncovering the fact that i was powerless over creating the lie that defined me for so long, as that too, is part of my addiction. after all, if things do not go my way, and i can find no one else to blame, it must be because i am unfit. if i am unfit and want to be part of society and life in general, then i better just show those parts of me i deem acceptable to my current company of cohorts. dang, did i ever make things hard on myself! 🤒 🤕
right here and right now, i think the time has come to move into my day, as me, myself and i. it is true that i put in thousands of steps per day for my health. it is also true that i run and walk about six miles, six days a week. it is also true that i enjoy smoking premium cigars and drinking boutique coffee. in the big picture, i do not see any inherent contradictions in any of those activities, despite what some may think. rest-assured, if cigars were limiting my ability to climb mountains, run a 10K or live life fully, they would be the first to go. just as Bill Clinton once said, i do not inhale. 🤪

∞ DT ∞