ฮด then, something happens. right away, i feel victimized. ฮ
Posted: Fri, Oct 5, 2007 07:38:20 AM
**where is the justice?** i wail.
among my favorite refrains, wah -- wah -- wah! so why would i want justice, when after all, i got mercy when i came to recovery, well that whole ideology goes back to the same self-obsession that our literature says is at the core of my disease. not only do i want justice, i also want retribution, vengeance, and i want to set the terms of conditions of meting out the punishment. this is hardly a spiritual manner of living, but some old behaviors die very hard **SIGH**.
anyhow, this reading points the direction that this addict needs to live my life in recovery. the two principles that scream out from this missive to me are FAITH and FORGIVENESS. forgiving my transgressor for their all to human characteristics and forgiving myself for mine. if the truth be told, i have created quite a swath of damage across my life, to myself, to those who love me, to society itself and to the peace and tranquility of the world itself. not that i am all that powerful by any means, but what i was willing to do, regardless of the consequences, affected whole boatload of others. if i were to be the recipient of justice for that stuff, i would certainly be wailing about how little damage i wreaked was in comparison to the ‘real’ monsters and criminals loose in the world around me. so as i continue down the path of recovery, FORGIVENESS has to be part of my spiritual toolbox. since i have been forgiven for most of the damage i caused, it is only fair and just that i forgive also.
FAITH on the other hand goes in an entirely different direction. i could have FAITH that in the long run, justice will be served, whether that vehicle is karma, divine retribution or even **GASP** eternal damnation. that look at FAITH puts me back to the whole part of being a victim and is hardly the manner in which i want to live my life today, and is contrary to my concept of how the divine is structured these days. it is a handy cop-out, and one that absolves me of all blame, but makes me feel justified and satisfied. no instead, i think i will have FAITH that the POWER that provides me the power to stay clean today, will dispense compassion and mercy, giving those who transgress against me, exactly what they need. just as i have been given what i needed to see my place in the damage i caused and have the means and opportunity to amend that damage.
which brings me back to the start, do i want to live my life as a victim of some sort of cosmic joke, or perhaps as the judge jury and executioner, or do i want to live my life as well as i can following the spiritual guidelines of the fellowship that gives me the opportunity to even consider such weighty issues? i believe that just for today, the third alternative is the path i will choose, after all, it feels like the easier softer way! so off to the real world to see how i can implement thisa particular decision, not that i am hoping to get damaged, just that IF it occurs i can let go of my anger and move on.
among my favorite refrains, wah -- wah -- wah! so why would i want justice, when after all, i got mercy when i came to recovery, well that whole ideology goes back to the same self-obsession that our literature says is at the core of my disease. not only do i want justice, i also want retribution, vengeance, and i want to set the terms of conditions of meting out the punishment. this is hardly a spiritual manner of living, but some old behaviors die very hard **SIGH**.
anyhow, this reading points the direction that this addict needs to live my life in recovery. the two principles that scream out from this missive to me are FAITH and FORGIVENESS. forgiving my transgressor for their all to human characteristics and forgiving myself for mine. if the truth be told, i have created quite a swath of damage across my life, to myself, to those who love me, to society itself and to the peace and tranquility of the world itself. not that i am all that powerful by any means, but what i was willing to do, regardless of the consequences, affected whole boatload of others. if i were to be the recipient of justice for that stuff, i would certainly be wailing about how little damage i wreaked was in comparison to the ‘real’ monsters and criminals loose in the world around me. so as i continue down the path of recovery, FORGIVENESS has to be part of my spiritual toolbox. since i have been forgiven for most of the damage i caused, it is only fair and just that i forgive also.
FAITH on the other hand goes in an entirely different direction. i could have FAITH that in the long run, justice will be served, whether that vehicle is karma, divine retribution or even **GASP** eternal damnation. that look at FAITH puts me back to the whole part of being a victim and is hardly the manner in which i want to live my life today, and is contrary to my concept of how the divine is structured these days. it is a handy cop-out, and one that absolves me of all blame, but makes me feel justified and satisfied. no instead, i think i will have FAITH that the POWER that provides me the power to stay clean today, will dispense compassion and mercy, giving those who transgress against me, exactly what they need. just as i have been given what i needed to see my place in the damage i caused and have the means and opportunity to amend that damage.
which brings me back to the start, do i want to live my life as a victim of some sort of cosmic joke, or perhaps as the judge jury and executioner, or do i want to live my life as well as i can following the spiritual guidelines of the fellowship that gives me the opportunity to even consider such weighty issues? i believe that just for today, the third alternative is the path i will choose, after all, it feels like the easier softer way! so off to the real world to see how i can implement thisa particular decision, not that i am hoping to get damaged, just that IF it occurs i can let go of my anger and move on.
∞ DT ∞