Some memes

of generosity can work wonders, as i have seen in my own life and in the lives of others. appearing generous was part and parcel of my transactional relationships. i was never really generous as i always had an expected return. i may not have expected that return in real time, but my expectation that i would be repaid, never faded or withered on the vine. i sort of prided myself on having all these little caches of favors that could be called in at any time. my life was built on the expectation of return and manipulating those around me to get what i want. feigning generosity was only one of the many ways, i got what i wanted. it goes without saying that is a very long minute in recovery before i finally saw the fallacy in living in that manner and decided that perhaps things needed to change.
as the days passed and i continued to emulate the behaviors of those who were in the rooms, it became clear to me, that my life living on the hopes of expectations getting fulfilled was going to lead to a life of misery. i had already decided that i did not get or stay clean to be miserable at my own hand, so i started to take to heart the ways and means of living a program of recovery. i still have expectations of how i think people “should” behave and there is always a tiny expectation of return when i act out of kindness or generosity, i guess that is part of being human. what i do not do, is live my life waiting for those expectations to come to fruition. as a matter of fact, when i stumble over one, i sort of chuckle to myself and wonder if i am ever going to be “cured” of having them. 🤣 🤣
moving into the here and now, i am quite happy these days, being king, being generous and being empathetic without expecting return, even if a nagging expectation does get created. things in my life right now, may not be meeting my expectations, but when i go through them one by one, i have to wonder where the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer comes into play. what can i change and what do i have to accept? i have to accept that i am retired and may never again work as a software developer, but that does not mean i stop doing the footwork. i have to accept that my job at the cigar store will come to pass when it does. i have to accept that i may end up hitting my savings again for another month of bills, but i can restrain myself from a whole shitload of discretionary spending to push that alternative off a bit longer. i am learning that as the days go by, i get a lesson or two on how to define who i am and having a job seems to no longer be a part of that identity, at least just for today.

∞ DT ∞