๐ i often do not ๐
Posted: Thu, Oct 15, 2026 08:47:56 AM
not realize how i affect others simply by showing up and being myself. back in the day, that was no problem, i was pissed off and let everyone know what i though of the fellowship, the 12 Steps and my future. as my anger faded i played the game, saying all the right things, reciting the readings from memory and quoting chapter and verse from the literature. i fronted recovery even though i was merely abstinent, saying what i thought others really wanted to hear. was it anywhere close to being authentic of myself, not by a long-shot. i was present, at least physically but emotionally and spiritually i was already going back to the “life.”
when i finally came to recovery, after my severe lapse of judgement and near relapse in New Jersey, i was more than a bit confused what to share, as i had very little experience in recovery and all sorts of experience pretending i had recovery. all i had to offer, was how to be a fraud and sound great! i could and did “share for the newcomer,” because, after all i had almost two years clean, even though i had mere days in actual recovery. my sponse set me straight about that quite quickly as the man i asked to sponsor me was a strict WORK THE STEPS OR DIE, MF! as a result of being told what to do, i shut up for nearly six months. listening to what and how my peers shared. what i learned when i kept quiet was my message had to come from who i was and not who i wanted others to think i was. the problem with was i still lived the lie of being too broken to show who i was, so i cracked the vault the tiniest bit and started to be who i could assert without fear, i was. as i became more comfortable sharing those dribs and drabs i was felt safe sharing, my message was finally beginning to reveal who i was and i no longer had to pretend that my life was Happy, Joyous and Free, just that i had another day clean and had made that choice willingly when i started my day.
today, as i came back from the void, what i heard was it is so much easier to just be who i am than trying to impress with who i am not. what happens when i generously give of myself when i share, is i allow others to see man behind the curtain, pulling the levers. what i get and yes, there is a payoff, is more evidence that i am not weak or feeble at all. i have no expectation of creating or deepening the relationships i have with my peers. i do not expect to make a newcomer have the desire to become a member and come back clean. i share myself and allow what happens to happen and perhaps any or all of that will come to pass.
when i finally came to recovery, after my severe lapse of judgement and near relapse in New Jersey, i was more than a bit confused what to share, as i had very little experience in recovery and all sorts of experience pretending i had recovery. all i had to offer, was how to be a fraud and sound great! i could and did “share for the newcomer,” because, after all i had almost two years clean, even though i had mere days in actual recovery. my sponse set me straight about that quite quickly as the man i asked to sponsor me was a strict WORK THE STEPS OR DIE, MF! as a result of being told what to do, i shut up for nearly six months. listening to what and how my peers shared. what i learned when i kept quiet was my message had to come from who i was and not who i wanted others to think i was. the problem with was i still lived the lie of being too broken to show who i was, so i cracked the vault the tiniest bit and started to be who i could assert without fear, i was. as i became more comfortable sharing those dribs and drabs i was felt safe sharing, my message was finally beginning to reveal who i was and i no longer had to pretend that my life was Happy, Joyous and Free, just that i had another day clean and had made that choice willingly when i started my day.
today, as i came back from the void, what i heard was it is so much easier to just be who i am than trying to impress with who i am not. what happens when i generously give of myself when i share, is i allow others to see man behind the curtain, pulling the levers. what i get and yes, there is a payoff, is more evidence that i am not weak or feeble at all. i have no expectation of creating or deepening the relationships i have with my peers. i do not expect to make a newcomer have the desire to become a member and come back clean. i share myself and allow what happens to happen and perhaps any or all of that will come to pass.
∞ DT ∞