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so all i have to do to happy, joyous and free is to surrender everything to the care of GOD!
and that is the rub.
i have trouble letting go, although i am getting better with practice. it seems that i can let go of everything for a little bit of time, or let go of most things most of the time, or let go of nothing always. sometimes i feel doomed to be stuck on this trident of indecision for various reasons. am i truly worthy of being cared for, can i really give up the modicum of control that i believe i possess, will i really be happier without holding on to some things?

ON AND ON AND ON AND ON ...

the truth lies somewhere in between, when i have had FAITH and let go in the past, my experience has been that i am not only happier but more connected to both the spiritual and physical worlds. my creeping acceptance of the lies of addiction is what convinces me that today i can take part of my life and that somehow i can do a better job, that this whole GOD thing was some kind of fluke, maybe it works for others, but for me it just is a coincidence that i have gotten anything out of this recovery trip at all. and that is where i get in trouble.
today, i feel a part of something greater than i ever dreamed or thought was possible. and i think i will go with the first choice to let go of everything for as long as i can.
-- DT --