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once again, here i am, letting go and trying to write about it! today, what i heard as i sat and listened was that allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide me the answers, had better outcomes than the ones i manipulated and forced into coming out the way i desire. that really is a powerful statement, or better put POWERful, statement. learning how to listen with my heart instead of with my ears, has been the crux of this 11TH step for me, and as i get closer to the end of this process, i am seeing more and more what my sponse has been trying to do.
when i cam to recovery, i lacked any vision to see anything outside of my overbearing self-interest. it was all about me, and that theme has played itself out, over and over again, even to this day. case in point, my expectation that if one leaves a muddy mess behind in car wash, one is nothing but a self-absorbed, self-entitled piece of dung. my continuous obsession with self, is why i am quite certain, i am not recovered. my only saving grace, as it were, is that obsession is not my sole motive anymore, and i often selfless and walking in the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i can be spiritual or i can be a total…
letting go of what other people think of me, or what i think that other people think of me, has been another constant in my recovery journey. once upon a time, say maybe yesterday, i worked hard to make people in my life see me better than i actually am. the masks and the roles, may have to go, and yet i cling to them tightly and with little or no respite. as i sat this morning, one of the thoughts that came through the quiet, is why am i still holding on to trying to be what i am not? that is certainly not part of the vision of the man i want to be, nor as i have come to believe the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i could fall back on the meme i hear in the rooms, of that being the part of me i call addiction, trying to separate me from the pack. while that may be true, what that comes down to is this: I AM still trying to separate myself from the pack. I AM trying to rationalize and justify myself through to a relapse. it is ME and only me, that is responsible for my recovery and IF i want to be more than just clean, than it is up to me, to let what i think i am go, and allow what i am, to shine through. it is true, that just for today, i am a member of the No Matter What Club, but that has never been enough for me, i want more. that more can come in the form of external stimuli, material things OR it can come in as spiritual growth, that choice is mine and mine alone.
it is time however, to get the last twenty-four, washed off my skin, finish this up and head on out to get some commitments fulfilled. as i walk into the real world, i will carry with me, my responsibility to myself and my recovery, at least, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞