Blog entry for:

i hive discovered that in the end, no amount of manipulation on my part will change a situation. knowing that, however, does not seem to change my behavior when i am ion the midst of working the situation. my recent history is evidence that i am still so far from perfect when letting go. which brings up the old cliché that i an right where i am supposed to be!
i did get some good news yesterday, someone i thought had used, had not, and is doing their best to deal with the mess they created on this particular run. so even though i wish they were somewhere closer, they too, are more than likely right where they need to be and i NEED to let go and allow them the freedom to find their own path.
i am also getting very stressed about the change of positions i have coming up. while i do not necessarily like working as a contractor, there is some apprehension that i have to leave where i am known and start off all over again in a new place, doing a new task, learning a whole new paradigm. when i asked for a way out of the mess i created, i was not prepared for the answer i got. i did , however, agree to walk the path in front of me to the best of my ability, and that path now goes through downtown Denver. as flattering as it is, to have companies chasing me down and asking me to move right in, it is nerve racking as well. the whole what if process starts and i hear the voice of the addict within, telling me that i am certain to fail at this, regardless of the evidence at hand. that sucks, as i really thought i was better than that. that sort of self talk, while certainly not ideal, is something i have the tools to stop today, and the primary tool is to rely on FAITH. the FAITH, that i am being given just what i need. the FAITH that i am being led to exactly where i NEED to go. and the FAITH, that i can succeed, if i allow myself the freedom to do so. yes, i NEED a computer bag that has no logos on it. yes i need a pair of dress shoes that feel like athletic shoes. and yes i need some time to just sit back and process. some of that i will get right now, the rest, as the day progresses. it is a great day to kick back, let go and have just a little bit of FAITH, that i WILL get all that i need.
so back to being a lean, mean coding machine.

∞ DT ∞