Blog entry for:

an apt question, as i am now making the transition from STEP TWO to STEP THREE, sitting down with my sponsor does that, mush to my surprise some days. as i write this i am watching the snow fall and wondering how the weather forecast i watched less than nine hours ago, could have missed this weather event. quite honestly, it is a good metaphor for how i see my recovery. like the weather, my recovery follows certain rules and operates within a set of constraints that i have a bit of knowledge of, but very little understanding how the whole system comes together and interacts. i know for certain that the one condition that must be met, is total abstinence from mood and mind altering substances. as i do not have a mental illness, that means the all of those substances are just as off-limits to me as street drugs. a bit of a disclaimer here -- i have had surgery in recovery, i have has medical procedures as well -- both of those led to the medically supervised use of of substances, and as such, i know today, that in those periods my recovery is frozen like the glaciers of Greenland in the dead of winter, capable of moving incrementally forward, but unlike to make any progress.
anyhow, where was i, oh yeah like the weather…
the meteorologists have a basic understanding of the causes and effects and can do a fair job of predicting the outcome of the movements of air in a limited vicinity in a very narrow band of time. the greater the area they try and forecast for, and the further out from the here and now, the greater their uncertainty and the more error creeps in, hence the unexpected snow fall this morning, based on the forecast at 10 PM last night.
the parallel here is that i have been clean long enough to forecast what events will transpire within my spiritual path through the 12 STEPS based on what i do now. the further i try forecast outcomes from the her and now, the worse track record my predictions will have. if i use, i know that the path i have so carefully nurtured will need to be rebuilt, PERIOD. i have seen it over and over again, addicts face the hurricane of relapse, then go on with their lives, rebuilding on the same weak foundations and on the same flood plain where their recovery was built before. i know that if i step away from the fellowship, meetings, step work and living a program, that the storms in my life WILL become more frequent and more violent as they build to a crescendo of relapse. i cannot predict what those storms will be, how the damage will be manifest, only that they will come, and to wail and moan what a victim i am because of the damage they do is as useless as shaking my fist at the sky.
of course, the real question here, is what does any of this have to do with beginning the process of letting go? my assignment was to move into a FAITH based THIRD STEP, with no instructions on how i might do so. in other words let go and live on FAITH that i will be provided the direction i NEED. honestly that scares me sh!tless, how does one move into a step about will on FAITH alone? the answer? one day at a time. yes i see the irony of falling back on one of the most common bromides the fellowship possesses. in this case, i see no other solution, as i have decided to treat my sponsor's suggestions like those of my medical doctors, something to follow to the letter. so two days in, i am as clueless as i ever was, HOWEVER, my NEED for a concrete answer or even a probable forecast, is starting to diminish. i am shutting off the prognosticator and seeing what happens if i just do what i know is the next right thing. i know that this is more than possible, just as i know that a run in the snow above freezing may be just what i need this morning, so it is off into the snow i go, at least that is the plan, who knows what the outcome will be.

∞ DT ∞