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was never anything i though was worth considering, back in the day that is. IMHO, i was living the best life possible and refused to see any evidence that contradicted my take on the life. when i was merely abstinent, i was not really looking to make any changes, other than those stipulated by the judicial system and only if i thought it was something i thought i could get away with, under their radar, so to speak. having been burned once in that behavior, i decided that abstinence was what i needed to keep my options open, but recovery was never part of the plan. little did i realize that i was going to find that recovery was a choice i was going to be willing to make, day after day, just for today, for decades on end. here i am and all of that is true and letting go of what i think i want or need is becoming part of my daily process.
this morning my “plan” to drive into the office was scuttled by the overnight snowfall. it really was not that much maybe an inch or two, but as i sat and consumed my breakfast i watched my commute time go from 55 minutes to over 90 and decided that perhaps i would be better served working from home. as today was an “extra” commute day and not the one i agreed to with my bosses. as a result, i can use the Rec Center and wimp out about working out, which certainly feels like the next correct thing to do.
i truly never believed i would need to be taught “how to live.” as i choose each day to do my best to live a program of active recovery, i find myself seeing a whole lot of things for the very first time. in fact, i suggested a kindness for a person that i would do not like spending time with and have no regrets that they accepted it. i may come to regret that suggestion, but in the here and now, i put it into my “good deed” bucket and ;leave it at that. if things get odious i will remind myself that , that was a choice i made, i “volunteered&$#8221; as it were, so i cannot be a “victim.” i accept that i need a bit of guidance on “how to live” these days, as if i was in my usual place of self-centered selfishness, i would have never suggested what i did, but i do have to admit, i suggested a buffer as well, so it is far from being “purely altruistic.” anyhow, i need to get out and get active. this too, is part of how i live these days, becoming and staying physically fit. in the long run, being fit will not keep me alive, but it just may make the remaining time i have on this side of the lawn, a whole lot more pleasant and i will go with that floe, just for today.

∞ DT ∞