Blog entry for:

i open myself to new and different options.
yes a dagger and a confession, i have already shared about this topic today at my home group. as i was too lazy to get a speaker, the default fell to me and yes i was wonderful, if i do not mind saying so myself!
that is however more than a bit of hyperbole, and if you have been reading me for any length of time, you know that most of the time i have an exaggerated opinion of my relative importance in the world around me, or a diminished sense, depending on the day, and where i happen to be, spiritually that is. it was me speaking, at length about how hard it is to let go, and the only thing that bears repeating is that when i let go these days, the claw marks are not nearly as deep, nor the pain quite so great. ironically, as it were, one of the bon mots i shared about was the last three of my sponsees who have decided to try to use just one more time, and are currently missing in active addiction, maybe.
oh, it was not about them, it was about me learning to let go of them, and allow myself to feel the pai9n of their absence. sure i know where two of them are, and one or perhaps both of them may be clean today, that in and of itself, reduces my pain: that is keeping HOPE alive that they are finding something different. it still pains my heart to think that they had to make that choice and at times i am almost jealous of them to give it a go myself. how nice to be couch-surfing, with no responsibilities, save feeding active addiction. no job, no bills, no commitments. just the bliss of active addiction and scraping up the resources to do it all over again. i guess when i look at it, in that manner it really is not at all attractive to me today.
so letting go of the romance, my life, dull, and routine as it was up to 90 days ago, does not look all that terrible. i am also quite certain that i will adjust to the new routine and once again,it will be my mundane sort of everyday existence, with the joy of being alive, someday all that sustains me. interestingly enough, there is still quite a temptation to jump in, stir the pot and fix things the way i always have, even though the results, were at best mixed. just as i can romanticize life using, being the center of a chaos storm, can also look intriguing as well. it only takes a very brief inventory to remember it really was not that much fun and the amount of energy i put into getting things to work out as i wanted them to, read results focused rather than process focused, is better spent in just living today.
i do have a bit of work to do, so i will sign-off with this though, just for today, i can and will let go of the results and do the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞