ฮผ i had expectations about life in recovery. i thought recovery would suddenly make me โฆ
Posted: Thu, Nov 13, 2008 08:22:55 AM
...able to do anything in the world. when i stop and think, i realize that i expected recovery would make me perfect. i did not expect to continue making many mistakes. after all, i was perfect before i came to recovery. all of my mistakes were the fault of others, so they could not be my mistakes. when i was wrong, it was because someone had lied to me, or had fed my full of misinformation. and when i stumbled and fell, it was because someone was out to get and tripped me up. yes, life in active addiction created a perfect being, at least in my mind!
so it is only natural, that once i got clean, that i would come to believe very early on, that recovery would only make me more than perfect. so i waited, i worked steps, i went to meetings, i hung with my peers and friends in recovery, and i continued to wait for that perfect being to reemerge out of the shell of the man i came to recovery trapped within. guess what, i gave up waiting, for as a result of doing what it took to stay clean and to grow into the person i have become, the whole belief system, that somehow i was capable of living without making a mistake was dismantled and replaced with a more sane one, namely that as a human being i am inherently flawed and regardless of what i do to further my growth in recovery, i will always make my share of mistakes.
what gets me, is why that was and still remains such a tough cookie to swallow. i mean really, the reality of my life is that i am human, if i take risks, a certain number of them will end in mistakes, failure or at a minimum a faux-pas.
so while the reading was about, how i can live my life -- safe and boring, or a bit risky but full -- what i am feeling this morning, is more in the lines of how to approach humility as defined by the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. redefining my world view to fit actual reality. yes it is true that i believe that how i think of myself is how i will become. if i believe that i am old and isolated, i will become old and isolated. BUT i the jump to believing that i am perfect that i will become perfect is a bit too far to go this morning, or any morning. perhaps it might be better for this addict to believe that he is becoming the sort of man he is proud to be, well-rounded, stable and secure in himself, and let the whole perfectionism sh!t drop away into the garbage bin of unneeded defects and behaviors. where it really belongs. it is after all, yet another good day to recover, and time for me to jump in the shower and get cracking. adios mi amigos.
so it is only natural, that once i got clean, that i would come to believe very early on, that recovery would only make me more than perfect. so i waited, i worked steps, i went to meetings, i hung with my peers and friends in recovery, and i continued to wait for that perfect being to reemerge out of the shell of the man i came to recovery trapped within. guess what, i gave up waiting, for as a result of doing what it took to stay clean and to grow into the person i have become, the whole belief system, that somehow i was capable of living without making a mistake was dismantled and replaced with a more sane one, namely that as a human being i am inherently flawed and regardless of what i do to further my growth in recovery, i will always make my share of mistakes.
what gets me, is why that was and still remains such a tough cookie to swallow. i mean really, the reality of my life is that i am human, if i take risks, a certain number of them will end in mistakes, failure or at a minimum a faux-pas.
so while the reading was about, how i can live my life -- safe and boring, or a bit risky but full -- what i am feeling this morning, is more in the lines of how to approach humility as defined by the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. redefining my world view to fit actual reality. yes it is true that i believe that how i think of myself is how i will become. if i believe that i am old and isolated, i will become old and isolated. BUT i the jump to believing that i am perfect that i will become perfect is a bit too far to go this morning, or any morning. perhaps it might be better for this addict to believe that he is becoming the sort of man he is proud to be, well-rounded, stable and secure in himself, and let the whole perfectionism sh!t drop away into the garbage bin of unneeded defects and behaviors. where it really belongs. it is after all, yet another good day to recover, and time for me to jump in the shower and get cracking. adios mi amigos.
∞ DT ∞