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if i was perfect, i would not be human. it is true, i have been at this recovery gig for quite a bit of time now. there are others who have been at it longer and still others who have not been around quite as long as i have. while there is much that is similar in our shared experience, one facet that seems to stick out is our NEED to be perfect. i came to recovery with the obsession to do everything perfectly, in fact it had grown so bad that i often did nothing, because i was doomed to fail. so it is not surprising that once i finally got a bit of HOPE, that this NEED to be prefect shifted into the realm of my own personal growth process, driven through the living the program to the best of my ability.
the catch? some days looking like i was doing the deal perfectly was good enough. IF i could not BE perfect, THAN I WOULD LOOK PERFECT! i will tell you now, that is one exhausting way to live, and for this addict the obsession of appearing perfect, took more and more away from what me real focus would be, if i had the energy, namely working on the transformation into the person i have always wanted to be. that man, who will be manifest, does not care about how he looks, and has a true sense of who he is and his relative importance in the scheme of things. that man is capable of expressing his opinion and letting go of the results. that man is comfortable in his own skin and walks in confidence through the process of recovery. that man knows what is his and what is not, and takes care of what he can in the her and now. yes that man is a whole lot more perfect than i am today, and yet is not perfect by any means, as he still suffers from the ravages of addiction and the weight of being human. more and more every day, i am seeing the vision of the person i want to be, and more and more each day, i am being given the means to achieve that metamorphosis.
today, i am grateful that i can sit down with my sponsor and speak about the nature of this process. the irony here, is that i though i had my last assignment done over two weeks ago, and quite truthfully it is just being wrapped up here and now. i NEEDED to go through the past 16 days to arrive at this place, and as i arrive here i get what my vision for a saner Don can and will be. i can feel the difference i have made in my life, and perhaps i can even start to feel the difference i am making in the lives of others. that too, is part of the metamorphosis from active addiction into the man i have always wanted to be. oh yeah, if you are offended by my gender specific references, that is just too bad, as i have decided that being politically correct is yet another way of disguising who i am from the world at large. you are a volunteer here, so if you feel victimized, you best speak to someone else about it, more than likely there is something here that you need to work on. so tirade and soapbox out of the way. the time has come to suit up, show up and get out into this foggy morning for a quick jaunt around the neighborhood. it is quite true that i would love to run everyday and run for five or more miles every day. the truth is at 53 i am doing the best i can, and i am grateful for both the desire and the ability to do what i can. just like i will never be a saint, nor will i ever be perfect, i also know i will never be an Olympic athlete, that does NOT deter me from doing what i NEED to do to further myself along the course of those unachievable goals, just because i cannot be, does not mean i should stop trying. so off i go into this exciting new day, grateful to have the desire to do whatever it takes to stay clean today.

∞ DT ∞