Blog entry for:

of my life in a well-defined little world, by refusing to take risks and move forward in my recovery.
perfection, seriously is that really something i need to aspire to? the exact opposite would be to settle for the way things are now, which in my mind, is not an alternative i want to choose either. once upon a time, back when i saw the world in black versus white, i would have thrown myself into such an indecision loop, that i would be paralyzed with FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT. as i grow in recovery. emotionally as well as spiritually, i GET to look for something different and see that the world is black and white, good and bad, secure and fear-ridden. looking at things as a whole, rather than as parts and pieces, i get some relief from the FEAR, rational or irrational, that will paralyze me. the reading may be about the unreliability of my vision for myself, seeking a state that is not possible, as well as letting go of the fear of taking risks. or at least when i was listening this morning that is what i heard.
yes, perfectionism may be a shortcoming arising out of my lack of esteem for myself. procrastination ans settling are also shortcomings that ironically, stem from the same character defect. when i feel less than esteemed in my own eyes, i certainly can beat my chest, wail and gnash my teeth and feel as if all that i have done is for naught. as my sponse reminded me of yesterday afternoon, looking at where i started can be illuminating, but looking at where is started when i was entered this last step cycle is a far better measure of where i am at today, and where i might be going, tomorrow.
what i did NOT take from the reading, is the sense of futility, that i once would have, and perhaps have done in the past. even IF i cannot be perfect, there is no reason to aspire to be as close to perfect as humanly possible. aspirations and goals, at least for this addict, create a sense of self that makes taking risks and advancing in my life, worthwhile. sure i can always fall back on the “i am only human,” excuse, when i fail or do not move forward, but what does that really get me? certainly not even a cup of good coffee, and certainly no further in the advancement of myself as an addict in recovery. that is the start down the road of “why bother”, “is it really worth it”, or “i am no longer suffering from active addiction.” which is not a road i want to travel today. so off i go into the REAL world, carrying the HOPES and DREAMS of silly sports with me, after all i will not use if my teams are not victorious today.

∞ DT ∞