Blog entry for:

through meditation, or better living through nothingness. okay, so part of what i shared on Saturday afternoon, touched on this topic. i know that i can be a real asshole and when i “fill-up” at the spiritual fueling station, by dropping into the void on a daily basis, i am certainly less apt to act in an asshole-ish manner. the difference is that when i drop down and listen, i find the ways and means to detach myself from acting on my emotions. i have the space to pause and respond, rather than reacting in my default manner, and for this addict, that is certainly a symptom of balance in my life. i may still be a bit smarting about being told that one of my sponsees required a talking to, which he had so kindly provided. both actions telling me what to do and telling my sponsee what to do, were more than likely done out of love and concern, but that rationalization does not hold up to the light of day, as the addict freely providing unsolicited advice, had no bidness to do so and was quite clueless about what my sponsee and i had talked about. i have reached a point of forgiving him, but i will not forget and if the opportunity arises, i will let him know that he was condescending, disrespectful and patronizing to the both of us.
moving into the here and now, this morning after splitting my fantasy leagues i have concerns over whether or not i will make the playoffs in either league. what i keep hearing is that it does not matter, as i do this for fun and fun need not be a stress bucket. letting go of the end result, while still playing as competitively as i can, feels like the journey i need to be on, rather that looking at the destination to win them both. i am starting to “hear” that my life is too short to live in the shadow of results of a silly game i play with friends, peers and acquaintances. i have crossed the line where this is a healthy activity and now need to pull back for the next three weeks and see what happens. i keep hearing that i need to let go and i still find that clinging on to something i cannot control, is what i end up doing. time to be okay with where i am, get some steps for this hour and get cracking on my weekly chores, at work. that too, is a gift of balance in my life, knowing when to say enough and ramble on to my next task. it is a good day to be clean and live a program of active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞