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a life that is safe but and stifled OR one in which i venture out into the very spooky unknown? the very fact that i can look at this as a choice today, is part of what FREEDOM from active addiction has brought me to. this morning, i do see that having an opportunity to choose anything is a step up from active addiction and is certainly a step up from living a life ruled by the lies i have told myself for so long, that have have taken on a “patina of truth.” although a safe and safe life does not necessarily preclude taking risks and venturing out into the unknown, even though i seem to have presented it in such a way that certainly makes it look like those are mutually exclusive choices. if there is one lesson that has been hammered home to me, more than once, it is that there are very few “either - or” choices to be made in life.
recovery has given me more than just a new way of life, it has also given me the means to step out of my pride and prejudice. when i say i am not a racist, i mean it, BUT part of my daily inventory consists of evaluating whether or not i exhibited racist behaviors. having been born to a life of plenty, in a time when i was promised i could be more than my parents ↦ white male baby-boomer privilege ↤ i have to consider carefully what i did each and every day. much of what i once believed i was “entitled to” i see as part of my bias and prejudice system of belief i have accumulated over the course of sixty two years of being alive. there is not a whole lot i can do about that, as i am powerless over what has been built over the years. i am not powerless over how i behave, even though i might want to retreat into that “safe space.” when i sit down and consider my actions over the day, i look at how i treated others and if that treatment was based on who they were, what they looked like, or how they acted. the first two alternatives are certainly ones that reveal whether or not i need to adjust my worldview. the third? well that may also mean i need to adjust how i see my place in the world, but leans more towards being human, rather than being an intolerant asshole. who is afraid of losing a legacy that he earned simply by an accident of when and where i was born.
wow, that as certainly not where i intended on going this morning, although racism has been on mind lately, as some “very fine people” seem to have a very thin skin when they hear that term tossed out. this morning as the world seems to shift under my feet, i know that recovery will never make me perfect. i will always be a human being that is the product of his culture and the time in history in which he was born. what recovery does do for me, is to present some alternatives to believing in the politics of “fear and loathing,” that seems to divide society today. i can think for myself or allow the “talking heads” to tell me what i need to believe. i may not have graduated from being a “sheeple” but i will be damned if i allow the pigs and the dogs to tell me what to think and believe. recovery allows me that freedom and i will embrace it, just for today.

∞ DT ∞