ฮฑ when i stop and think, i realize that i expected recovery would make me perfect. ฯ
Posted: Tue, Nov 13, 2007 08:58:19 AM
i did not expect to continue making many mistakes. but i do. that is not the addict side of me showing through; that is being human.
and sometimes just being human is tough, at least for this addict. i do not really want a life free of mistakes, missteps and misadventures, but gawd how i hate the consequences of that various group of life events. although the alternative would be lass than satisfactory to me also. what alternative? well to live a life free from mistakes would mean that i would not take risks, try anything mew or leave my house. that would limit the chances of any of that occurring, but probably would not me perfect. so what this comes down to, is a matter of acceptance. acceptance of me being a human being, with opinions, talents, abilities, and flaws. this exactly the issue i have been working over at the end of my sixth step, acceptance of being just another human being, who happens to also have the disease of addiction. acceptance of the entire package as it is today, is something i am coming to actually believe. i find it no coincidence that while i am coming to terms about the issue of self=acceptance, i hear that issue again and again in the course of the daily meditation. so i am wondering what exactly is holding me back from starting the next step. it would not be my sponsor, as i have not spoken to him in a few weeks. it would not be my local fellowship, as they have expressed how less than thrilled they have been with my current set of mistakes and missteps. it would not be my HIGHER POWER, as i have come to believe that POWER only wants the best for me. the process of elimination leads me to single conclusion, it must be me. so there once again is yet another mistake, living in the self-will of procrastination. YARGHHHHH! mu\y path is clear and perhaps today i will not compound this mistake by allowing self-will in this respect to continue. life is after all a gift, my choice is whether to nourish it or let fall apart through neglect. and on that cheery thought i think i will go relax for a bit.
and sometimes just being human is tough, at least for this addict. i do not really want a life free of mistakes, missteps and misadventures, but gawd how i hate the consequences of that various group of life events. although the alternative would be lass than satisfactory to me also. what alternative? well to live a life free from mistakes would mean that i would not take risks, try anything mew or leave my house. that would limit the chances of any of that occurring, but probably would not me perfect. so what this comes down to, is a matter of acceptance. acceptance of me being a human being, with opinions, talents, abilities, and flaws. this exactly the issue i have been working over at the end of my sixth step, acceptance of being just another human being, who happens to also have the disease of addiction. acceptance of the entire package as it is today, is something i am coming to actually believe. i find it no coincidence that while i am coming to terms about the issue of self=acceptance, i hear that issue again and again in the course of the daily meditation. so i am wondering what exactly is holding me back from starting the next step. it would not be my sponsor, as i have not spoken to him in a few weeks. it would not be my local fellowship, as they have expressed how less than thrilled they have been with my current set of mistakes and missteps. it would not be my HIGHER POWER, as i have come to believe that POWER only wants the best for me. the process of elimination leads me to single conclusion, it must be me. so there once again is yet another mistake, living in the self-will of procrastination. YARGHHHHH! mu\y path is clear and perhaps today i will not compound this mistake by allowing self-will in this respect to continue. life is after all a gift, my choice is whether to nourish it or let fall apart through neglect. and on that cheery thought i think i will go relax for a bit.
∞ DT ∞