Blog entry for:

all that recovery can provide. today, i will take a risk, try something new, and grow.
being perfect? those days are far behind me, wanting to be perfect, well quite honestly this is something that haunts me still, especially LOOKING AS IF i am perfect. although, it would just be another example of addict hyperbole for me to say that i ALWAYS am in that mode. i know that there are trails and tribulations, and i have come to realized that i am perfect just the way i am today. after all, each and every one of us can accept that as fact and move on. that does not mean, that there is no room for growth. i was going to go on and qualify that last statement, but this morning it is getting late and my need to be redundant and qualify is actually at a minimum today. i will go with that and allow myself the freedom to be okay right here and right now.
i did commit to a few things that i was trying to avoid last night, and when i got home and sat down to inventory my day, i see that all i did was pick up a bit of slack. being perfect would have entailed sticking to my guns and not volunteering myself for any new service commitments, until i see how this new job will shake out.
i also have been obsessing about helping out the still suffering addicts who are part of my life, whether or not they desire my help or not. that goes back to me inherent NEED to look perfect and not to any spiritual principle of any sort. i CAN be better than that today and if i allow myself to be present i WILL be better than that today.
moving on to the next topic i picked up from the reading. the whole line about restricting myself to what i KNOW i can do well, to live that so-called perfect life, feels like someone is making me drink vomit. that was certainly how i lived at the end of active addiction and for a while even in early addiction. after all, IF i took no risks and made no decisions, living my life by default what happened was not my fault and my record remained unblemished. the reason that whole concept seems so vile to me, is that you guys have taught me that there are consequences for ALL of what i do and do not do on a daily basis. abdicating my personal responsibility to live my life, creates all sorts of consequence that limit my personal power. once again, i come back to that theme, and i am starting to get a clue or two what that is about for me. there is so little that i have power over in real life. the illusion of me being the great and all powerful Oz has been exposed. i am just the man behind the curtain and now that i see that, there is nothing wrong with that at all. i make my greatest contributions when i am just myself, warts and all. yes i can sponsor men, carry the message, be paid well for my work and love and be loved today, BUT none of that was possible before i admitted how powerless i truly was. so if i am powerless over a boatload of stuff, i NEED to take what power i am given and use it to the best of my ability, to further my cause of becoming the person i have always wanted to be. the source of that power is the POWER that fuels my recovery. i can accept that and yes even cherish that notion, and at times i do that perfectly. while those times may feel few and far between, in actuality they are far more common these days, than i care to admit.
so far today? i am perfect in word, though and deed, BUT the cats=ch is that i have not left my house. as i have accomplished all in planned to this morning, it is time for football with some friends and then some more work, a meeting and being present for what it is that is happening around me.
yes i will NEVER be perfect and today that is more than okay. i can still be the best person i can be, IF i follow the suggestions of tree program and live my recovery, instead of just talking about it.

∞ DT ∞