Blog entry for:

at ease in all my personal interactions, is one of the major expectations i have carried with me, throughout my recovery journey. of course, like all expectations, when i consider whether this one is realistic or not, i have the grounds for a perfectly rational and justifiable resentment, after all you guys were supposed to teach me how to do this🙻
okay, i have to admit, now i am more than a little bit frustrated. trying to login into GoDaddy to install my 90 day certificate has turned into a freaking nightmare and when i get back from my walk, this morning, they are certainly going to get a freaking earful of how crappy their login process is and how displeased i am by having to jump through hoops that did not need to be there. i could continue with my screed against all things megalithic and inherently evil, but to what end. i accomplished what i wanted to and got a walk through the local environs completed, so here is am, once again pounding away at this little bit of what may be on my mind.
it is without a doubt true, that i have always envied those who could walk into any social situation and become an instant part of the scene. somewhere i missed the lessons on how to be social and active addiction did nothing to teach me how to an extrovert. in fact, active addiction allowed me to pretend i was social, because as the chemistry of my brain was affected by the substances i took, i became less and less socially awkward. that social relief only lasted so long, and became harder and harder to achieve as my addiction progressed. in the end, i was alone, isolated and the only friends i had, were those who could use like i did.
when i finally got clean and took the advice of my peers, not because i feared using, but i did not want to drag my friends into my legal mess, i started to hang with those who had a similar amount of clean-time, little to none, because that was where i was the most comfortable. yes all night poker games and football afternoons, fueled by massive amounts of tobacco and Mountain Dew, were the norm, but at least i was starting to learn that i could be social and part of something more. it was that last foray into hanging with a “using buddy” that finally drove me into active recovery and started the process to become who i am today.
i am still “socially retarded.” the HOPE here is that i am less so than when i walked into the rooms, and perhaps i will never be the “social butterfly” who can flit between groups and just be a part of, with little or no effort. i am far more aware of how i interact with those around me and far more capable of what it means to take part in relationships of all sorts. with that thought in mind, i think i will hit a quick trip around the block, get set-up to work, work, work and be okay with my level of social acceptability, just for today.

∞ DT ∞