Blog entry for:

and by surrendering i gain a far greater power than i ever imagined possible. paradoxes, paradigms and parachutes all have more in common than just the first four letters. but before i start down a tangent that i will probably not get back from, i do believe that i will concentrate on the paradox that the STEP ONE presents this addict. i will admit, that accepting that i am powerless over anything, still is tough even to this day. i am fighting years of socialization, expectations and just plain ignorance. recovery does provide me the tools to battle those elements as well as my disease, but once again i am back into the paradigm of fight or flight and there is no surrender. so the surrender that is needed for this addict is a daily event and process. that surrender is the parachute that allows me to land softy on my feet and get through each and every day without using. it is an event that occurs for me, when i wake-up and acknowledge that i lack the power to control my addiction. the evidence is still present today, although the apparent symptoms are not as blatant as they were way back when. so when i start my day, i have to decide if i want to live in active recovery or active addiction. that choice, once it is made is the event that defines my day and starts a process that allows me to go through my day in one of those two paradigms -- recovery or addiction. so IF i decide that i want to live in active recovery for this day, the next action i take is to concede to my innermost self, that i am without any power to deal with the part of me i call my addict. i surrender any notions of power i have and move into the paradox of the FIRST STEP, if i surrender, i am then able to ask for and receive the power i need to live clean today, from a source greater than i am. oh yeah, since i have worked the steps -- all twelve of them, in the order they were written, and under the guidance of a sponsor, this is only the start of the surrendering process for me, but the reading this morning was about the total surrender that is necessary for this addict to apply all that i have learned acr5oss the course of my recovery.
anyhow, paradox or not, making the effort to surrender has kept this addict clean for a few days in a row, and allows me to become more than i ever dreamed was possible. yes writing the steps is a drag and an effort, and yes admitting that i lack power is contrary to what i was taught by my culture and family to believe, but those actions are the foundation of my program and allow me to see what i really need and what i merely desire. i really need a manner of living that is free from the usage of mind altering substances and teaches me how to be comfortable with that. what i desire is a simpler and easier way to do that. the program of recovery i am walking is both, but only if i surrender to its principles and allow it to work. so enough about surrender, it is time to hit the pavement and work off some of the inches my lazy days in the sun added.

∞ DT ∞