Blog entry for:

i GET the ability and desire to surrender to win. with so many diverging paths and threads in my head this morning, i am not quite sure how this will come out, or where this will g0.
thinking back to my phone conversation the other night, you know the one i whined about where all i heard was how awful and unjust everything was and how one misstep should be forgotten because of all the positive stuff that addict had done prior to fVcking up. you know i want justice for the rest of the world but mercy for me, refrain, that once permeated my will and my life. quite honestly, i am going to try and use that the next time i get pulled over for speeding: &@8220;BUT officer i just drove the last thousand miles without EVER exceeding the speed limit, can't you just let this one go? so what if i was doing 80 in a 25 MPH zone.”
honestly, no matter how deep or complete my surrender to the reality of who and what i am was yesterday, i NEED to make the same surrender today. i cannot win nor can i grow on what i did yesterday, or an hour ago or even just a few moments ago. as a person in recovery, my only hope comes from my ability to live a life in complete and unconditional surrender to the fact that i am and will always be an addict. my choice is what i want to do about it.
the FIRST STEP is only the beginning of that solution, and far from adequate to keep me clean, now that i have some time clean. the trap here, fo me anyhow, is to believe surrender is enough. unless, i move forward from that point, i am left as a hopeless and dope-less addict, and that is a state for me, that will lead to relapse, and its consequences. my point is, that yes it is nice when i am rewarded and recognized for what i have done. yes if that happens enough, part of my human conditioning, is to come to want it to continue. the addict part, takes that desire and warps it it into expectations and entitlement, and finally resentment, when it is withdrawn. the simple truth is where am i going today and do i need to be looking at the signs along my journey through today telling me to slow down? the only reward i can expect for surrender and living the program as a result. is the ability to decide again tomorrow, whether or not i want to and will surrender to the facts of life once again.
i do, however have a consequence of doing this gig, a real job, which today i am once again going down to Denver to do. remember no matter how ominous the word sounds, consequences are not necessarily negative, it is me who adds a value judgement to them, not the world around me.so yes i have to head on down to work and i am happy that once again i will get paid well for doing my job, and that job is the result of living a program to the best of my ability, one day at a time. so off to the showers and into the real world.

∞ DT ∞