Blog entry for:

far greater power, than i could ever dream of, seems to be the result of learning how to **cease fighting** addiction and accept that for me anyhow, recovery is the correct path to follow. coming to recovery, i believed i had power and lots of it. admitting that i had no power over addiction, did not seem to be in my DNA and i resisted vigorously any attempt to come to that conclusion. that resistance was not part of a logical or rational thought process, but was an emotional defensive reaction to prevent myself from being “brain-washed” into becoming a “cult member.” i was not going to drink the fellowship Kool-Ade. i was too smart to be swept up by any of what i saw were the BIG LIES and i never believed i would be sitting here, thousands of days later, writing about the power i gained, once i surrendered to the fact that i am powerless over addiction. what did i gain as a result of all of that? a life where i do have some personal power, some stability and the means to fulfill my dreams, just for today.
this morning as i look at the events that are shaping the world, i wonder how so many of my fellow humans could fall under the spell of a racist, misogynist, narcissist cult figure. in my quest to find some meaning in my life, i have traveled many paths, many of them included mind and mood altering substances to “expand” my consciousness. it is amazing that as i started to let go of who i thought i was and accept who i am becoming, i see the futility in that journey. as in was speaking with a peer, who is coming back after a relapse, i heard him speak of his experience in a very detached manner and i wonder how honest he was being. i heard remorse, regret, shame and guilt, but did not hear humility or owning the fact that he was and is responsible for his recovery. i accept that he is where he is and it is not my place to chide him into accepting responsibility for not owning his recovery.
what i took away from that conversation is a commitment to my own recovery. how vulnerable would i be to a phone call offering me something that i once could not live without? it is a good thing i have a few days and the odds of that even happening are very low, nevertheless, i would like to believe that because i own the fact that i am an addict and am powerless over addiction, that i could rely on my program, my friends and peers and the POWER that fuels my recovery to give me the power to walk away from that opportunity, clean. that is part of the far greater [power i have today, as a result of living a program of active recovery. i may be nursing an injury from my slip-and-fall the other day, but i have not gone running to the ER for something to ease my discomfort. it does mean that until i heal, i have to step back a bit from my physical exercise and accept that human bodies that have been walking the Earth for more than six decades, need a bit of TLC. just for today, i get to own that i am powerless over being in my sixties and that i am continuing to age, but the power to live in these times, comes directly from that surrender i resisted for so long. so it off to the races to see what i can accomplish today.

∞ DT ∞