Blog entry for:

admitting that defeat was the toughest thing i ever did, so as suggested, i do it every day. quite honestly, there are days where i just want to stop being an addict. i want to be a normal person. i want to stop having to do the work that makes life bearable. as awful as that sounds, it is reality, and this morning feels like one of those days.
when that is the case, reading such as the one this morning are an excellent reminder of the reality of the situation. i am an addict. all the evidence points to to that fact. when i was abstinent from drug use without a program i was miserable. before i even considered not using as an option, i had to use every day, and most of my actions were geared towards fulfilling that need. i cannot remember a time before coming to recovery, where i felt comfortable living in my own skin, although there certainly had to be such a time. i do know, that using relieved me of this feeling and not using started this whole trip back up again.
so on days like this, when i find myself looking for another solution, i wonder with some gusto, whether or not i really am an addict. after all…
and that is where the trouble starts for me. i can either resign myself to the fact that i am an addict and surrender to the fact that i am powerless over addiction and move into my day. or i can take a road that i have not walked for quite some time, simply try and use and see what happens. yeah i have heard it by so many fellow travelers that this is not an option for them, and that may be true for them. for me, this is always an option, and when i try to deny it, the rebel inside kicks in, so i am left in a quandary. what can i do? i cannot tell you what i will ALWAYS DO, i can say this however, just for right now, i will resign myself to the bitter truth, i am an addict, and if i want to be happy and serene, i NEED to surrender to that fact and do the next right thing. that next right thing? not using, no matter what happens across of my waking day. to not use, i HAVE to go back to STEP ONE, and surrender once again, no matter how hard it feels to do so. once i surrender, i am stripped of any HOPE, and using looms again, so STEP TWO is the next right thing, come to believe that this insanity can be altered to sanity by the POWER that fuels my recovery, and finally surrender my will and my life into the care of that POWER.
that may not feel like the best option, at least intellectually, but for me, right here and right now, it certainly is the best choice. all of a sudden i am now ready to face my day, doing the recovery gig, the best i can. so it is off to the showers and into this day, a little more hopeful, with a just a bit more FAITH and a certainty, that yes Virginia i am an addict and i am in active recovery, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞