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i know because, once i have taken that gigantic step, i never have to use again just for today. that is it. it is not easy, but it is very simple.
and i like simplicity. so i could end right there and say so long and goodbye, but i would rather spend a bit of time pondering the implications of the first step and the effect that living that step has had on my life.
the most ironic part of this is, that i have to live the first step on a daily basis. yes i have been clean a number of days, and yes i have worked the first step more than once, the trick for me is how do i surrender unconditionally to a fact that has been removed from my life. what fact is that? well i am still an addict, so that fact is part of my life. the fact that is no longer part of my life is that i do not have to use today against my will. when i was getting clean, i could go twenty or thirty days without using, BUT i always wanted to use, and planned for my next use, regardless of the consequences. these days i have the choice to use or not to use, and that freedom only comes from the fact that i have learned how to surrender to the fact that if i choose to use, my choice is removed. i like having choices, and i like having the freedom to live another day without using drugs. pure and simple and i like it!
although it may be a simple fact, implementing it in my life is not very easy. i still have it in my head that perhaps i could use once and not spin down into active addiction, despite the evidence of those who have done that exactly that. somehow i think i will be different and that is where the first step comes into effect. if i live a first step today, i understand that using today will not give me the results i seek. yes i may get really high for twenty or thirty minutes, or i may be able to have a glass of wine with dinner without running out to see the dope man, BUT that is a chance i am not willing to take today, and so i choose not to use today. i surrender to the fact that i cannot use successfully and that my life is better after making the choice not to use, no matter what, at least for this twenty-four hour slice of my life. simple and not that hard, for me, right now. so off to face the world and see what today holds in store for me today.

∞ DT ∞