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this admission frees me, just for today, from the need to live out active addiction all over again. i have probably written before about the NEED i find to admit that i am powerless over my addiction, and that i ask for the POWER to stay clean every day. this reading reminds me of that. this addict needs such a reminder, because i come to believe from time to time that maybe those twenty-five or twenty-six years of active addiction were just a phase, and perhaps after some time clean, that phase of my life is over. i can see that perhaps that is my denial structure reasserting itself, and if i am not diligent in my recovery i can certainly allow that line of thinking top become a prominent part of my belief structure. yes, it would be nice not to be an addict. it would be nice to live my life like so-called normal people. and it would be nice to have a million dollars drop out of the sky and land in my backyard. all of that would be nice, BUT the chances of any that happening is so remote that it might as well be zilch.
with that small shift in my thinking i can see how ludicrous thoughts like that are for me. after all, if i was not an addict, it would have been possible for em to stop using without any effort, and walk away from that lifestyle when it became obvious the damage being done to me and my spiritual condition.
where does that leave me this morning? GRATEFUL! as weird as that sounds, i am grateful that i have an explanation of why i am the way i am. HOW i got to be in such a state is far from germane, although i am sure some doctor or therapist could make all of that quite clear to me. from the FISTR STEP realization and surrender springs all of the HOPE i feel this morning. yes, i could be making more money, yes i could be farther along on my spiritual journey, yes i could be more popular, HOWEVER i am what i am this morning, and being an ADDICT is not really such a bad thing. i can work through that and live a program of active recovery, and living a FIRST STEP is the keystone of my daily life.
part of that daily life is caring for my physical self, so it is time to sign-off and take the dawg out for a run, both of missed our workout yesterday and that too was a good thing, after all, i do want to do the footwork to live up to my service commitments. so off to hit the streets and get rid of the road butt i have accumulated over the past week.

∞ DT ∞