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have to use again—just for today. i am not good with absolutes, as i have discovered during my tobacco fast. even before i have the results of my test on Friday, i am already looking for the opportunity to **enjoy** a cigar. everything about that last little bit, comes down to addiction as it encompasses denial, dishonesty and self-obsession. this journey through my dependence on nicotine has been eye-opening, especially when it comes to the language i use to describe the events where i CHOOSE to smoke. using “cheat day” seems to imply that i am “serious” about not smoking and i just choose to “slip” every now and again. i ignore the benefits of living without tobacco and focus on the nostalgic recall of how it makes me feel, even going as far as to say that it “calms” me down when i am dealing with the idiots i find on my daily commute, if that was truly the case, why is my pulse rate in the 90's when i am driving and smoking and in the upper 70's to mid-80's these days? ignoring the evidence at hand was part of the reason i had such a difficult time getting clean. getting away with something is the reason i GOT to have seven months between my first meeting and my clean date. i now am beginning to grasp that if i am going to smoke “socially” i will NEED to surrender to the fact that control is impossible and it will only be with the assistance of the POWER that fuels my recovery that i will be able to partake on occasion.
the worst part of my denial, is the fact i CHOOSE to ignore how much better i am feeling and doing, especially when it comes to my fitness program. when asked, i generally say something vague such as “i guess i am feeling better,” when the actual truth is i am feeling much better, most of the time. my wind is coming back, my energy levels are increasing and i am becoming more willing to extend myself, where i once thought it was good enough to just get by. today, i have asked the POWER that fuels my recovery to help me be tobacco and nicotine free, just for today. with that in mind, i think i will go watch some football. and finish my laundry, before heading out for a long run, in the heat of this 40° day.

∞ DT ∞