Blog entry for:

over addiction, a concept that took me a long time to **GET,** but one i have absolutely no reservations about admitting, just for today. owing the fact that i am an addict and have no power over any manifestation of my addiction, frees me to accept and use the personal power i have. as a result, i am all about defining where my power lies and what belongs in the quite capable care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. that does not mean that i am good or even adequate at turning it over, just that i have a notion or two where stuff belongs, right or wrong. as counter-intuitive as the concept of **surrendering to win,** was and still can be, to me, i relish the freedom i get, when i choose to do so.
this morning, as i felt my way through STEP ELEVEN, what came to me, is that when i practice patience and tolerance, despite my personal opinion of someone, i feel that freedom. that feeling is not all that different from the feeling i got the first time i realized that the desire to use had been lifted. the freedom i find today, comes from the admission many days ago, that i had been driven to my knees by a power much stronger than i could ever be. ironically, i am seeing clues in my life, that i am headed down a path similar to the one that took me to that basement apartment in New Jersey. i may not be in danger of using today, but i am certainly feeling moire than a bit “stuck” in my program. when i get this point, i believe that i have to make HUGE changes and seek answers somewhere else, instead of sitting on my hands and waiting to “feel” what the answer may be. this is among the few places in my life where i have a strong DESIRE to “change” the way i feel by doing something, anything. the question i ask myself is “why.” the notion keeps coming back to the same concept, it is addiction that is the issue here and i am once again powerless and need to deepen my surrender and resolve. feelings are feelings, transient and a reaction to the events surrounding me. allowing myself just to be present with them, no matter how unpleasant they may be, is always the answer, which goes back to the notion of surrendering to win.
as i get ready to wrap this up, i see that i can continue to fight against allowing myself to “feel” the answer that seems to be coming through the ether. i know that the way i feel now, serene but unbalanced, is not a state of permanent being. the answer to restore my balance is coming, whether i like it or not. it might have already been revealed to me and i chose to obfuscate it in a cloud of tobacco smoke. listening to my heart and ignoring what i hear in my head is difficult. maybe, just maybe i will surrender to the notion that my heart knows what is best for this addict, just for today.

∞ DT ∞