Blog entry for:

i will cease fighting, so that i can win.
winning and losing, surrender or fight, the choices in this reading seem so absolute and binary. either i have power, or i do not, is the basic premise, and one that i fought against for the longest time. what i was missing, at least when it comes to addiction, is that i DO NOT have any power over that. left to my own devices, i will use again, PERIOD! once i accept that as the basis of my recovery, the black and white nature of recovery comes into to focus.
- i am either using or not using.
- i am either working a program, or marking time.
- i am either living a program, or spinning down the drain.
i accept all of that, and i do so, because today i have stopped fighting the notion that in respect to addiction, i have no power. as much as i want to beat my chest and proclaim how powerful i am, i am beaten by something that is part of me. make no mistake, i may not be a fan of addiction as a disease, or treating the part of me i call addiction as if it is a separate entity as many of my peers do, i certainly have seen the results of addiction in my life today and across my past. here comes the tricky part, even though i am a victim of addiction, as my past provides ample examples of, i no longer need to allow addiction to victimize me. i may have no power over addiction, but i do have the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide me the means to live. even though i identify as an addict, i am no longer content being defined by addiction. when i stopped fighting and accepted what i was, i get to step out beyond that label and be something more. no new age guru mysticism or pop psychology here, just plain old ordinary recovery 101.
the issues i was struggling with yesterday, are the direct result of allowing myself to be defined by my past and by addiction. allowing myself to get swept up in the stream of victimization allows me to abdicate my responsibility for my life. i heard it once again last night at the meeting and i recognized it in myself, as i sat down to inventory my day last night. after which i slept deeply and soundly, because i saw the short-circuit i create when i fall victim to being a victim.
as i sat listening to the litany of powerlessness, one sponsee went over yesterday, i finally recognized some things and places where i do have have a bit of power, and today addiction is not one of those. HOWEVER, allowing myself to fall into traps, such as being defined by the part of me i call addiction, is certainly something i DO have power over today. yes i am an addict, but i am also so much more. yes i have a checkered past, full of events and behaviors that are nothing to be proud of BUT the past is not me. i am a product of my life to date, but so much more than the simple sum of all those things. one of the outcomes of this process, is that i get to own what i am, accept it at face value and move along, as there really is nothing to see here. be well, my friends and peers and have the best day in recovery that you can.

∞ DT ∞