Blog entry for:

and my sense of belonging. so i walked into my home group and only knew half of the members who were there this morning. quite a shock to my system as that usually does not happen. then, i got thrown under the bus to share, which also does not happen. when all things are considered, all of those events were good thing as i have a shit ton of stuff going on in my life. my Mom is dying, my family is warring, i am having to step up and assert control, and i have to get all this wrapped up neatly for my brother to take over, before nine AM Monday, when i jet off to Africa, if the airline gods are kind to me. i have to say, it was good to drop my stuff on the floor and share about how no matter what is happening, i did not need to buy a pack of cigarettes to beat the stress, or use to escape. i made it to the meeting, took care of what needed to be taken care of and listened for as long as i could to the bullshit spilling from the mouth of my niece, whom i have supported with absolutely no reservations. i am very well-equipped to be a referee for my family drama, i just have no desire to be that for anyone. i have not been clean this long, just to fall back into patterns of behavior i abandoned a long time ago. i am quite certain i poked a hornet's nest and i am waiting for the chips to fall how they will.
back to being welcoming and inclusive when it comes to my fellowship. i know that i look like most of the members that have been around since i got clean. in my local fellowship white and male. i am a bit older than most, but due to my lack of emotional maturity, i seemed to fit in well with those who were ten to fifteen years younger than me. i know that it is my job to put aside my biases, prejudices and flawed first impressions to build bridges to those who are struggling to find their way “in.” i do my best and most days, i am better than merely adequate at doing so. i still have an issue or three with anti-vaxxers and MAGAts, but i can put politics and ignorance aside and welcome them to the rooms, even though i know they will never be invited to my home.
life is good today, and i am experiencing a complex set of emotions that goes beyond description, be that as it may, i can stay clean today, as i have asked for and accepted that power from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i can be okay dealing with my Mom as she lies dying in a hospital bed in her family room. i can forgive those in my family who are using and find themselves backed into a corner, most of all, i can forgive myself for going off, when i really did not want to, i am after all only human and i too, have all sorts of emotional shit going on that i need to deal with, just for today.

∞ DT ∞